Friday, May 13, 2016

{ unfettered } - yogi. mama. lover. writer. austin, tx

Have you ever watched a wave roll back to sea?
When a wave rolls in to shore it gives signs, it builds.
As the momentum grows you can feel it, if you have the nerve you jump and ride it.
That ride will be a memory forever, no matter the outcome.
I rode in on my knees, and I burst with pride having missed so many rocks.
Can you feel the beat to the music?
As soon as you relent to the lead the music moves everyone.
It's a 1,2,3-pause and spin endlessly.
I can't get enough, move me, swing me, I'll swing you.
All reserve fades and I dive into the dance.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

{ olfactory } - yogi. mama. photographer. soul. austin, tx

I rode through fetor.
Old trash, misfortune, waste.
With my forearm to my nose I sped.
Not wanting to allow a single breath to be invaded by something so foul.
Wishing for cut grass, jasmine, even my own well earned sweat to overpower the stench.
I felt hot air.
The horrid odor magnified.
Downhill, finally a cool breeze, wafting to me a fragrance of my essence.
The scent of amber, obviously, but something else.
So much more that I closed my eyes and prayed for the words to capture this relief.
Alone I pedaled.
No traffic, no company, and still I could smell everyone. everything.
From long ago to future, it hit me.
There was chicken spaghetti and Johnson's baby oil.
For a moment I'm sure I caught Sunflowers from the Summer I was 12.
Oribe, that must be my conditioner.
Our scent of sweet-musky intimacy, not possible, but so alive.
The tobacco and tractors of RMA, coffee served black.
Mind reeling, memories flooding.
Overwhelmed and excited by all of these aromas, my mind grasped the truth.
Like a soundtrack for the ears, there is a symphony that plays the story of my life through scent.
I inhaled deeper.
It's all inside, untarnished and able to evoke every emotion.
At this realization I looked up, abandoning the road.
The clouds, the smells, the feathers, everything...
Settled inside and my heart consumed the air.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

{ to raise } - mama. yogi. lover. soul. austin, tx.

It stayed with me all day, that scene when I gently held her shoulders and said "very soon this will all seem like a tiny thing, but I know you're scared and upset right now, try to breathe."
My sweet girl, to her the world and all she cares about seemed like it was crumbling, because of a forgotten jersey and time on the clock.
I watched her blue eyes burn red at the corners and her freckled cheeks begin to splotch the special way they do when she cries.
Even now recalling it makes me cry along with her.
Over and over I've replayed the moment she hung up the phone letting me know exactly how angry she was.
So disappointed to be missing out on what she wanted to do.
I swallowed a few swear words and sharply exhaled.
"Try..." I coached myself, "to come from a place of understanding instead of hurt feelings."
I witnessed her walls plummet and her heart open when I hugged her with compassion and thanked her for her sacrifice.
This most wonderful, unexpected gift to my life is a leader, a loving young woman, and forgiving even when she's unhappy.
These passing times of grief, fear, displeasure, chaos, sadness, and stubbornness circle around and today I realized their magnificent value.
I've done it wrong a million times and beat myself up for not being more fill-in-the-blank.
Repeatedly I've looked back at my (re)actions and wished I could take back what I said or did.
These struggles are giving me the opportunity to do it better, to love from a deeper well.
What is currently, will soon be a memory, a lesson, and when trial comes back around the bend, we are all a little bit lovelier and ready to embrace growth.
I thought today of past relationships and how I've mourned, each one feeling more painful than the last.
Pain relative to the commitment I made, of course it hurts more, I gave more of my heart, my hopes, and my family.
Tonight I smile while tears sneak out of my eyes at the knowledge of joy to come, sweetened by gratitude accrued in much loss.
What a simple and stunning revelation, that I can cherish even the hard moments like yesterday, today, and certainly to come...and use the dark time to hold love close and warm and until the light comes again.
Because darling, it will come again.

Monday, January 18, 2016

{ sweetness of the dessert } - yogi. mama. writer. lover. austin, tx.

Every once in a while I slip away, I go as far away as I can, my isolation amongst the living.
I seek solitude in my body, I sit in the quiet of my apartment and hear the cries of my soul.
From this place all my own I witness angels arguing and laughing, I play with them and braid their hair.
The floor at times feel tremulous and then solidifies as I curl my fingers into it's texture.
I'm here, fully alert, in awe, and extravagantly blessed.
This dessert, though painful to trek to, holds wonder I often forget.
I walked through the driest, grittiest, and unsightliest places to be here.
It's shimmering and I float in nectar I can taste through the pores of my skin.
Serenity not oblivious to pain, but rather here in a strong place so say "come here love, it'll be ok."
My hand reaches to soothe the hurting while I maintain my distance and hold myself.
Three stars glisten close to me, I hear their murmurs and giggles late at night and it's dazzling.
Stepping into the shadows and abandoning the demands of my mind.
This journey isn't simply spiritual, my fingers feel, my mouth tastes, I see more than ever before.
Able to give more of myself and simultaneously protect everything dear to me.
Enchanted by the smell of earth and the sound as my feet pad the ground.
Onward through dunes, lush forrest, busy streets, crowded rooms, I walk in my solitude.

Friday, January 15, 2016

{ record alignment } - yogi. writer. lover. austin, tx.

The ache for you lingers in my arms even as they grow strong.
All this time I've longed to nurture you, and now it's clear that I need my care.
I stepped back from self pity and threw it away.
My choice is to be here, all in.
There isn't a moment with you I regret, you've been a mirror for me, you've shown me my work.
Though my feelings have been hurt, I hold myself open.
You have my compassion until the end of our time here.
Clouds came over me that day and I've been dwelling in the shadow of heartache.
The sunless Summer is dissipating around me, the chill of Winter has me burning.
I want to use myself up, pour myself out, and celebrate my purpose.
I saw my heart spill forth like a teapot, I'm born to share.
The woman I see is one I treasure.
An extravagant giver, tenacious and stubborn in love.
Considerate and loyal to the point of mockery.
The mother of my children, my inner guide, my strength.
There wasn't a mistake I made that caused you to push me away.
For months I refused to love this body and soul consumed with the notion that I messed up.
Who I am is right for me and I gave myself to you authentically.
Every touch, word, smile, gift, silence, and scent was from my essence.
I wouldn't change how I showed up and I accept where we are.
This is where I right my wrong.
I plunge my heart back in my chest.
I lavish my skin with decadent scrubs and oils.
My feet never stop.
Books are once again my lifeblood.
The sky holds wonder this week.
I've seen the sunrise every day.
I was made for this life, made to love me.

Monday, January 11, 2016

{ the season } - yogi. survivor. mama. writer. austin, tx

It blew in unexpected.
My arms are still open letting the waves engulf me again and again.
I push life aside to soak in the healing weight of exhaustion.
It's leaving me, if it was ever real to begin with.
My skin burns from the growing light of my soul.
I keep giving all.
More than all, I'm diving to a depth I've never seen and I haven't reached the bottom.
This obsession carries bliss and I'm earning nirvana.
I smell the sweetness of honey and the firmness of my own skin.
Wet hair on my shoulders and ginger on my tongue.
A familiar pain in my back and a new hope in my heart.
I forgot what it felt like to be magic in the eyes of a lover.
I stare myself down like the only one in the room.
The lost pride is shimmering down my body with a new gleam.
Welcome back divine appreciation.
It's cliche, but real.
Thank you to the Universe for holding me when I let go.
Thank you to my girls for needing me to stay.
Thank you to my past for pushing me to grow.
Thank you to the unknown for granting my life the romantic quality of mystery.

Monday, January 4, 2016

{ knowing things } - yogi. writer. lover. mama. photographer. austin, tx.

I don't know everything, I'm not a know-it-all.
But I know a few precious things.

People matter and we should tell them.
The National never gets old.
Tears are part of life and usher in healing.
Every emotion will surface, even if it comes in a mask.
There isn't always a "why."
Some people aren't awake yet or they're down for a nap.
We are all here for a reason, some of us are trying to live up to it.
Salt makes rings not fit and sugar does that to pants.
A simple touch can take away a lot of hurt.
A kiss can cross an ocean of miscommunication.
Forgiveness isn't foolish.
It's easy to impress a stranger, but lovers deserve the gold.
Lettuce and watermelon are silly.
Hugs are vital.
Actions really do speak louder and more honestly than words.
A deep breath can bring me off the ledge.
In life there will be loss.
And there will be life.

Monday, December 14, 2015

{ burn out } - yogi. photographer. writer. survivor. austin, tx

Wake up soul, fold the covers back and slide your legs over the edge of the bed.
Things must be done, it's up to you.
Rub your eyes and clear your throat, this life is happening and you make it grand.
The dark swells will crash, but you kick and you kick angel and you stay above the water.
Push your feet into the dirt and let tears seep from your soul out through every pore of your body.
Don't give up, slow down and breathe as you need, it's okay to catch your breath.
Looking back will make this harder.
Chin up, chest high, you run.
Wring yourself from your depths, from emotion to skin press out.
The fragrance of your effort is musky love, close your eyes and drink it in.
Sigh out every pain, every doubt, every insult, every insecurity.
You carry yourself in a cloud of elegance, there is a golden grace in your belly.
Feel the music move your shoulders and lighten your steps.
The wind plays with your hair and holds you from every angle.
At the end of this day acknowledge yourself, that splendid, sweet self.
Be proud of you.

single leg fold

Monday, December 7, 2015

{ compassionate } - writer. yogi. mama. friend. photographer. austin, tx

I'm conflicted by the term "tough love."
I don't think you can overuse "I love you."
Everyone needs to hear praise, even if they can't receive it.
I'll hold my kids until I'm physically unable.
Even then I'll pull them close to me for snuggles.
Life is too short to let the goodness remain hidden.
Positivity can only be multiplied when it's given out.
There isn't time to beat myself up over mistakes.
Apologize, seek growth, move on.
My views may not be right for you, yours may not be right for me.
Love is the true foundation of all.
If you're sad, cry.
If you're angry, yell.
Silence is a strength and it can hurt on both ends.
One day my babies won't be babies, and I'll still baby them.

The tears come quick and hot, streams of pain down my face.
Sobs echo through my dark apartment.
I want to ease the pain of my loves, I can't take the burden for them.
I land helpless on my pillow and cry for the hand of God to hold my tribe.
I can't fix the problem, lift the fear, erase the past, or control the future.
So I sink into my bed, I wail to an empty room.
I call every angel to hold, heal, and protect my dearest loves.
Tonight I'm a vessel for heartache.
I know it, I share it, I feel it too.
I'll soak the linens in your un-shed tears as my own, with my own.
All pain is great, big pain.
All love is great, big love.
This massive pain is simply massive love.


Wednesday, December 2, 2015

{ movement } - yogi. lover. mover. mama. austin, tx


Brush my hair from my cheek and tuck it behind my ear.
Look deep into my eyes with your dark mystery and give nothing away.
Pull the salt from my eyes in liquid form and feel the vibration of my heart shattering.
Our connection is seismic.


Return to the woods lover, find your wolf and bask in her strength.
The most beautiful fur she lets you curl up next to and rest.
She warns you with a firm growl when danger is near.
From her you've learned patience and courage.
Go find her now.


lowering to chaturanga

I called to heaven and begged to know why.
Heaven answered that day in spades.
I asked for a reason, for purpose, for hope most of all.
"The darkest hour is just before dawn" whispered the angel into my soul.
The sunshine I crave, my stubborn will and active body thrive.
Present grey you're an illusion.