Last night I was exhausted, my first shift back to work after 6 days away on vacation. I arrived home thinking I would collapse into bed and sleep immediately, soundly. That did not happen. I readied myself for bed, taking extra care with washing my face and braiding my hair. Still waiting for the heaviness to visit my eyelids I began reading a blog of someone I am growing very close to. I was struck by the oddness of reading these stories and happenings that all came before we met, by the way our lives could be so far apart and eventually cross and even become parallel. Where had my life been during these times that I was reading about? Why could I not remember that I also had so much happening in 2009, 2010, 2011...? I realized a huge disconnect I have had from my past, even my recent past, because my focus has been so much engaged in things now and days ahead. I revisited my own blog and feel compelled to share what I gleaned from my trip through the randomness of my posts over the last few years.
Photo- Venice Beach, CA 2012 Amelia Raun
As I looked back at my stories, musings, photos, lessons, ect. I saw someone I admire. Why have I continued to struggle with so many of the same issues? Why have I not celebrated more of the triumphs that I have had? What has caused me to lose my written voice? So many things I began to wonder, so many aspects of myself that I began to mourn the loss of. New things have emerged that I am grateful for, so much change through my yoga training and relationships come and gone, I love where I am and where I am going, but I don't want change all that I have gone through to get here, I want to bring it into my present as strength. I recognize that I gave control to my fear of vulnerability and lost what I am most proud of about myself, my openness and willingness to be seen, loved or not.
It was a heavy and wonderful read, if you have your own blog or journal I encourage you to go back and see what reading it feels like for you. Today I am more me than I was yesterday and it feels so damn good.