Monday, March 27, 2017

{ wildflower } - yogi. lover. writer. mama. soul. austin, tx

Every day I run by the flowers and they beg me to lie down.
They draw me from the inside, the pull is so strong, but my resistance is stronger.
I know what will happen when I fall back into the field of bluebonnets and Indian paintbrushes.
Once more I'll drink in the poison of memory thinking it is nectar.
This is where we spent so much time saying nothing but breathing together.
For so long I couldn't even bring myself to this place because it was ours.
Your feet and mine pushing the sand and rocks deeper into the earth, while our future unfolded so clearly to only me.
I looked at the sky and saw sapphire even when it was raining.
The leaves didn't turn for me, even through fall and winter.
I thought that was our super power.
While I look over the field of blue and coral now it's all alone.
I'm back here, but without you.
The sky couldn't be bluer and the sun comes out just for me.
I ask the wind to blow over me and she does.
I've managed to have the experience of great, great love, and you weren't beside me this time.
You and I are both full of love, together beautiful, apart just as magnificent.
Even when I thought I was losing myself I was simply losing what I no longer need.
When I thought you were abandoning me, you were pushing me back to my light.
You're growing in ways that inspire me and I'm so proud of you.
My life has shifted to free me of old pains and crutches and I'm so proud of me.
Our time together now is new to me, it's a curious place I struggle with in my head.
However, in my heart, when I shut my eyes and press in, it becomes so easy.
You're my best friend and it makes no sense, but does it have to?
For now, I'm staying open, I'm letting go of my perfect boxes and explanations.
It takes deep breathing, a lot of sitting still, and sometimes tears.
In all the familiar places I close my eyes and I feel all that same love still inside me.
With or without you, I feel passion.
You created the space that now I must hold on my own, space where I learned to love.
Because of you I see how I need to give more, show up without hesitation or analyze the gifts.
My body will become an ocean that knows no shores.
My hands will share tenderness and touch, my feet will pound out pain and suffering, and my heart will remain open.
I stay away from the spell of the flowers because right now I'm running in the sweetness.

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