Saturday, September 17, 2016

{ of all the hats } - yogi, writer, mama, wanna-be writer, austin, tx.

I almost bought an amazing, light grey felt hat.
It was beautiful, heather grey with a tan band.
When I tried it on I felt regal somehow, powerful.
My best friend was not wowed by it when I showed her, so I left it in the store.
I've been thinking about this hat for days and it's reminded me of all the hats I've owned, worn and seen.

When I was young I had a crush on someone who wore a Rockies hat, when they were a new team, I think '94.
My next hat fetish was the destroyed cowboy hat I bought at a gift shop in Port Aransas, TX.
I haven't been much of a hat person, I like my hair wild and natural, but every so often I love to sport more.
When I visited New York in 2009 I bought a green Yankees cap, shamrock and all, still my favorite cap.
I donned sun hats from Anthropologie with wire brims that were large and obnoxious when I worked there.
Somewhere along the way I purchased this fedora...

Amelia Raun 8.27-44

Photo credit:

...which is too big and after this photo shoot, has been epically destroyed.
I have a gorgeous Eugenia Kim hat I wore to ACL once, it's magical.
When it's cold I wear a beanie that says "Namaste" - cliche but true.

So I left the felt hat behind, because I thought I would never wear it.
Maybe I wouldn't wear it, but I have regret, I wanted that hat.
It reminds me of all the times I have stepped out of my comfort zone and been a little mad (pun completely intended).
For some hats are a cover, something to hide behind.
Bald men afraid to show their scalp.
Girls covering their extensions.
Bros being all bro'y.
For me a hat is bold.
When I wear a hat it feels bold, like an open ended question.
I wish I would have bought that grey hat.

Friday, August 26, 2016

{ home } - yogi. photographer. lover. mama. austin, tx

It's not that I stepped away from truth, it simply became clouded by emotion and fear.
When I looked that fear in the face it evaporated and my soul came home to my body.
I felt the warmth of love settle in my belly.
My lips curled back into their subtle smile of contentment.
Passion and excitement fluttered once again inside me.
I stood taller knowing that I carried such goodness.
My soul feels like warm sand caressing bare feet followed by a wave washing them clean.
Once again I want to spin in circles as I walk down the street.
Today I played with this body of mine and tossed fabric in the air with abandon and a huge grin.
Life from my essence feels more joyful even when I don't understand the world around me.
I'm thankful for the challenges that bring me back to awareness.
Life slows me down at times to take me higher, the rush is worth the hurt.
My mission has gained clarity and my self assurance has deepened.
I know that inside and out I am calm. light. grace. love. strong.
And when I forget that in the future the universe will call me out.

sirsasana lift off

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

{ I for today } - lover. writer. mama.yogi. austin, tx

I'd like to keep my feet on the ground and never be shaken from the sweetness.
I want to be held in the arms of a lover who loves only me.
I crave nights on the couch with deep conversation and lazy naps with no talking at all.
It's all the things I've had, but I want them to go on and never be bruised or tarnished by fear.
I want brave affection, bold communication, and breathless passion.
Inside and out goosebumps when his skin touches mine.
I want to run into his arms and be swept away from the ground and kissed hard.
I remember when you said I looked like Ali McGraw and I lost all my words, you knew.
I can't wait to have someone look at me the way you did on our oyster date, you were enamored.
I've had so many moments.
I want so many more.
I'm insatiable.
It scares everyone.
I guess that's it, we are all afraid of our own light.
I won't dim mine for you, or anyone.

Monday, July 25, 2016

{ she needed to write } - yogi. mama. lover. writer. austin, tx

So much has been stirring inside and I haven't been diligent to pen my thoughts.
I've battled with negative words and wanting to lash out in defense of pain I've felt.
But then I sat with it...
I explored my reaction and asked for higher wisdom and response.
My work tonight is that of grace, sweetness, and healing.
What malice will ever mend a broken heart?
I challenged myself to take my wounds and grow.
I promised out loud to only my ears that I'd move from compassion, with honesty, and with reserve.
Words spoken or typed can not be taken back once heard or read.
How carefully then should I be with what I choose to say?...
How tragic for someone else to have their heart pierced by my thoughtlessness.
I want to handle the hearts of others with adoration and utmost care.
I want to share the gentle, affectionate touch that my own skin craves.
My filter is grace, my mantra is kindness, my gift is love.
I ask wholehearted forgiveness of anyone I have injured unknowingly.
You are enough, you are perfection.
We are all in this life together.

Friday, May 13, 2016

{ unfettered } - yogi. mama. lover. writer. austin, tx

Have you ever watched a wave roll back to sea?
When a wave rolls in to shore it gives signs, it builds.
As the momentum grows you can feel it, if you have the nerve you jump and ride it.
That ride will be a memory forever, no matter the outcome.
I rode in on my knees, and I burst with pride having missed so many rocks.
Can you feel the beat to the music?
As soon as you relent to the lead the music moves everyone.
It's a 1,2,3-pause and spin endlessly.
I can't get enough, move me, swing me, I'll swing you.
All reserve fades and I dive into the dance.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

{ olfactory } - yogi. mama. photographer. soul. austin, tx

I rode through fetor.
Old trash, misfortune, waste.
With my forearm to my nose I sped.
Not wanting to allow a single breath to be invaded by something so foul.
Wishing for cut grass, jasmine, even my own well earned sweat to overpower the stench.
I felt hot air.
The horrid odor magnified.
Downhill, finally a cool breeze, wafting to me a fragrance of my essence.
The scent of amber, obviously, but something else.
So much more that I closed my eyes and prayed for the words to capture this relief.
Alone I pedaled.
No traffic, no company, and still I could smell everyone. everything.
From long ago to future, it hit me.
There was chicken spaghetti and Johnson's baby oil.
For a moment I'm sure I caught Sunflowers from the Summer I was 12.
Oribe, that must be my conditioner.
Our scent of sweet-musky intimacy, not possible, but so alive.
The tobacco and tractors of RMA, coffee served black.
Mind reeling, memories flooding.
Overwhelmed and excited by all of these aromas, my mind grasped the truth.
Like a soundtrack for the ears, there is a symphony that plays the story of my life through scent.
I inhaled deeper.
It's all inside, untarnished and able to evoke every emotion.
At this realization I looked up, abandoning the road.
The clouds, the smells, the feathers, everything...
Settled inside and my heart consumed the air.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

{ to raise } - mama. yogi. lover. soul. austin, tx.

It stayed with me all day, that scene when I gently held her shoulders and said "very soon this will all seem like a tiny thing, but I know you're scared and upset right now, try to breathe."
My sweet girl, to her the world and all she cares about seemed like it was crumbling, because of a forgotten jersey and time on the clock.
I watched her blue eyes burn red at the corners and her freckled cheeks begin to splotch the special way they do when she cries.
Even now recalling it makes me cry along with her.
Over and over I've replayed the moment she hung up the phone letting me know exactly how angry she was.
So disappointed to be missing out on what she wanted to do.
I swallowed a few swear words and sharply exhaled.
"Try..." I coached myself, "to come from a place of understanding instead of hurt feelings."
I witnessed her walls plummet and her heart open when I hugged her with compassion and thanked her for her sacrifice.
This most wonderful, unexpected gift to my life is a leader, a loving young woman, and forgiving even when she's unhappy.
These passing times of grief, fear, displeasure, chaos, sadness, and stubbornness circle around and today I realized their magnificent value.
I've done it wrong a million times and beat myself up for not being more fill-in-the-blank.
Repeatedly I've looked back at my (re)actions and wished I could take back what I said or did.
These struggles are giving me the opportunity to do it better, to love from a deeper well.
What is currently, will soon be a memory, a lesson, and when trial comes back around the bend, we are all a little bit lovelier and ready to embrace growth.
I thought today of past relationships and how I've mourned, each one feeling more painful than the last.
Pain relative to the commitment I made, of course it hurts more, I gave more of my heart, my hopes, and my family.
Tonight I smile while tears sneak out of my eyes at the knowledge of joy to come, sweetened by gratitude accrued in much loss.
What a simple and stunning revelation, that I can cherish even the hard moments like yesterday, today, and certainly to come...and use the dark time to hold love close and warm and until the light comes again.
Because darling, it will come again.

Monday, January 18, 2016

{ sweetness of the dessert } - yogi. mama. writer. lover. austin, tx.

Every once in a while I slip away, I go as far away as I can, my isolation amongst the living.
I seek solitude in my body, I sit in the quiet of my apartment and hear the cries of my soul.
From this place all my own I witness angels arguing and laughing, I play with them and braid their hair.
The floor at times feel tremulous and then solidifies as I curl my fingers into it's texture.
I'm here, fully alert, in awe, and extravagantly blessed.
This dessert, though painful to trek to, holds wonder I often forget.
I walked through the driest, grittiest, and unsightliest places to be here.
It's shimmering and I float in nectar I can taste through the pores of my skin.
Serenity not oblivious to pain, but rather here in a strong place so say "come here love, it'll be ok."
My hand reaches to soothe the hurting while I maintain my distance and hold myself.
Three stars glisten close to me, I hear their murmurs and giggles late at night and it's dazzling.
Stepping into the shadows and abandoning the demands of my mind.
This journey isn't simply spiritual, my fingers feel, my mouth tastes, I see more than ever before.
Able to give more of myself and simultaneously protect everything dear to me.
Enchanted by the smell of earth and the sound as my feet pad the ground.
Onward through dunes, lush forrest, busy streets, crowded rooms, I walk in my solitude.

Friday, January 15, 2016

{ record alignment } - yogi. writer. lover. austin, tx.

The ache for you lingers in my arms even as they grow strong.
All this time I've longed to nurture you, and now it's clear that I need my care.
I stepped back from self pity and threw it away.
My choice is to be here, all in.
There isn't a moment with you I regret, you've been a mirror for me, you've shown me my work.
Though my feelings have been hurt, I hold myself open.
You have my compassion until the end of our time here.
Clouds came over me that day and I've been dwelling in the shadow of heartache.
The sunless Summer is dissipating around me, the chill of Winter has me burning.
I want to use myself up, pour myself out, and celebrate my purpose.
I saw my heart spill forth like a teapot, I'm born to share.
The woman I see is one I treasure.
An extravagant giver, tenacious and stubborn in love.
Considerate and loyal to the point of mockery.
The mother of my children, my inner guide, my strength.
There wasn't a mistake I made that caused you to push me away.
For months I refused to love this body and soul consumed with the notion that I messed up.
Who I am is right for me and I gave myself to you authentically.
Every touch, word, smile, gift, silence, and scent was from my essence.
I wouldn't change how I showed up and I accept where we are.
This is where I right my wrong.
I plunge my heart back in my chest.
I lavish my skin with decadent scrubs and oils.
My feet never stop.
Books are once again my lifeblood.
The sky holds wonder this week.
I've seen the sunrise every day.
I was made for this life, made to love me.

Monday, January 11, 2016

{ the season } - yogi. survivor. mama. writer. austin, tx

It blew in unexpected.
My arms are still open letting the waves engulf me again and again.
I push life aside to soak in the healing weight of exhaustion.
It's leaving me, if it was ever real to begin with.
My skin burns from the growing light of my soul.
I keep giving all.
More than all, I'm diving to a depth I've never seen and I haven't reached the bottom.
This obsession carries bliss and I'm earning nirvana.
I smell the sweetness of honey and the firmness of my own skin.
Wet hair on my shoulders and ginger on my tongue.
A familiar pain in my back and a new hope in my heart.
I forgot what it felt like to be magic in the eyes of a lover.
I stare myself down like the only one in the room.
The lost pride is shimmering down my body with a new gleam.
Welcome back divine appreciation.
It's cliche, but real.
Thank you to the Universe for holding me when I let go.
Thank you to my girls for needing me to stay.
Thank you to my past for pushing me to grow.
Thank you to the unknown for granting my life the romantic quality of mystery.