Sunday, January 16, 2011

{ reverie abashed and un } ~ austin area photographer

Not to beat a dead pony here, but once again I find myself contemplating the cycle of 2010. Since I have recapped that previously, I began to look at my older photos, from 2009 and 2008 (I wish I could go back more, most of those older photos were lost in a tragic computer crash). The following images have nothing to do with what I have been wanting to blog about...but I decided that as with most things, I can somehow find a link and I will...maybe by the end of this post I will be able to tie it together, for now I'm just going to let my thoughts over pour and run onto the keyboard.

{ Masyn's lovely little braid stirs my heart ~ 2008, she was 4 }

{ sweet days ago }

Inspired by a couple of customers this week, I am really diving into my writing. It's been my belief that if I shared too many details on here, someone would definitely find it and write my book before I could. That is absurd, since it's not terribly interesting, but it's mine and I do plan to write it so I guess it's a natural and irrational fear. I'm going to let things spill on here, that I have possibly not shared with anyone, or very few. Not that I have shocking and intriguing skeletons in my closet, but I have memories surfacing lately that I feel like some people might relate to, and those who can relate to me are a small group (I speak mostly because of my unique upbringing).

{ 2008 ~ again my little Masyn at age 4. The sunshine is like her presence in a room, it burns and illuminates everything brilliantly }

{ sunshines }

My parents made a decision long before I was even born, a choice that would make me an immediate outsider to others my age. Until the age of 25, I never attended a school. My family believed for many reasons that homeschooling was the best route. Although I felt like an outcast from kids my own age, I honestly felt like there was no place that I truly fit. Many of my memories of what should have been "normal" kid activities are from a spectators view, I watched others play T-Ball and cheer on the sidelines for the hometown football team. It was difficult to have those things just out of reach my whole childhood. The heart behind my mother and father's educational decision was to protect me, but I felt crippled. Eventually I reached a point where I was scared to go to school, it seemed kids who went to school must have been smarter than I was. These and other things I have been recalling stayed with me so long and I never realized how they created a filter in my mind. I'm proud of myself for letting go of that scared girl and stepping into my grown up self. The wiring in me is unlike anyone else in my family, it deepens my belief that we are all born unique and persuasion to be a certain way only goes as far as our own strength allows us to tolerate being dictated.

{ Evelyn Blair + Masyn Elise ~ 2008 my two littles when they were inseparable (they still sort of are, but Masyn doesn't like to admit it) }

{ most terribly wonderful twosome }

As forewarned, I'm jumping to a totally unrelated subject. It's still in my past so that connects it (sort of).

A couple of days ago I went to see "Blue Valentine" without expectations except that of seeing a good movies with actors I enjoy. My heart was wrenched, my stomach in knots the whole time. Honestly I rave because it evoked such real and dramatic emotions in me that I forgot I was watching a movie and felt I was being forced take part in a real and painful marriage. As odd as it sounds, watching the movie hardly made me think of my own divorce, rather it made me remember someone in my life who held me in a vicious repetition of happiness and heartache. Maybe it's all I have been reading lately and studying about mental illness and relationships. It just seemed so clear as that movie played out, that one character had a huge capacity for love and felt things deeply, but that meant all, jealousy, fear, pride, ect. While watching I became filled with gratitude, for so many reasons I am thankful that my situation was so much less extreme and I can only relate to it, I will never have to live through that. This giant part of me wanted to leap into the screen and hold them both and say that it would all be alright, I wanted to assuage their suffering.

Here is where I tie in my photos....

No matter what has occurred in my life, these three girls remain the first and foremost beautiful and important piece of me. They are the reason for me to overcome, to dream, to love, they are my all. How motivating to make my life count, when times speeds by so quickly and they grow and change and find their way. I want to open up my life, for their lives to be open.

{ Christmas 2008 ~ my three loves }

{merry christmas}

My most sincere apologies for the lack of structure and meaningful fluidity of this post and those that may follow. I'm experimenting with free writing and challenging myself to not hold back or over rationalize what or how I post, at least until I am writing much more often (or until I stop having visitors and my page loads deplete). Feedback is always welcome and often appreciated (sometimes it takes a moment for the appreciation to set it).

My parting encouragement to you all is to let yourself rest, fall into reverie and see what all comes about.


1 comment:

nic said...

your honesty is beautiful.

what i love most about your writing--and all good writing--are the threads of familiarity that bind me to your story. even with the uniqueness of your background, the broader strokes of that which has formed you (pain, betrayal, renewal) send a pang of recognition in us all. good stuff, my friend.

i can't wait to read more.