{ jostling security } ~ austin area photographer

There may be a inclination toward bravery that begins in the womb, but we all reach a higher degree of this trait by choice.

There is something rewarding in knowing that I am okay with putting myself and my fears on the line. A rush I can only assume is adrenaline comes over me when I reach outside my zone of safety and forfeit the nets of "acceptability" to teach myself courage. I am posting a picture now that is the second hardest for me to share. Once before, I shared a picture of my back before surgery, that was definitely the hardest. However, I admit this one follows closely behind, as I am sadly a very self critical being. In attempts to overcome my qualms about my body as viewed by others, I offer up my self esteem by way of photograph.



So no covering my lumps and bumps or erasing my stretch marks, it's just the way I look and I want to love it as much as I love what I have inside. In order to do that, I have to be confident I am treating myself right and working hard, that's the only way I can be proud. With the acquisition of my new job came new habits. In order for me to drop my girls at school, shower, and be at work on time...I have to get up and head to the gym at 5:30 am. I do that 5 days a week and on the weekends I try to make it to yoga or run on my treadmill. Sometimes I feel discouraged, because I think after all that work I should be more fit. My silly thyroid is a pain and my back being fused is a hindrance, but when I stop and think about it, I feel pretty good inside about not letting those things deter me. I'm not crazy about my figure, but I think the more I attain happiness on my inside, the more I am driven to love the outside of me as well.

{ in my world } ~ austin area photographer

Somebody told me not long ago "we are in very different places in life." I found it ironic that this person actually knows very little about my life at all. I've been melancholy and even beastly on a couple of occasions the last couple of weeks, partly due to withdrawal from Facebook, also from pressures of learning a new job and changing my whole sleep pattern (which is getting better and better!). The little "down" phase though, I believe relates to this comment which has continued to bother me a bit. While meditating and really trying to look within to search out the cause for any such sadness, my conclusion is that I feel like very few people in my life truly know me, so I feel a bit lonely.

My life is intimidating, I get that. So from afar I am going to give you a glimpse of the world I live in, and a peek at my idiosyncrasies.





In my world, it must always smell good. The photo above is of my dresser where I have a stash of perfume, fragrance is an addiction to me. I actually become obsessed with perfumes that smell good and it has given me quite a collection of scents to choose from each day, that being said I pretty much exclusively where Gucci Guilty right now.

When I exit the shower I preform lotion rituals. I have certain lotions for different areas of my body. So my legs and arms I like skin firming, and my back, shoulders, and chest I like to use hemp lotion. I have another lotion for my legs and arms that is scented, but I never use it straight from the tub, only after I have dressed as a "re-apply."

Every weekday morning that I am able, I go work out at the gym at 5:30 a.m. Yes, sometimes I oversleep. I have become infatuated with this new app on my phone that tracks my sleep cycle and wakes me up when I am in the middle of a light sleep cycle so that it's easier to drag myself from bed. Even when lots of working out, I feel my age creeping in and I am definitely having to work harder and eat less to try and fit into my clothes. This bothers me. I love to run, but I'm not that good at it. I adore yoga, it's a challenge with my back, but it makes me feel amazing. I have been working on headstands and can now do them with wall assistance quite well!

It seems like every post is about my girls, but I believe it can go without saying too much in this post that they are my everything. My parenting style is laid back but I try to teach my girls respect for all, manners, kindness, caring, how to be ladies, and how to let loose and have fun. I wish that more people could experience life around my 3 girls, they truly are the coolest kids I've ever met (yes, I'm biased but seriously they are a riot).

Tasks and chores bore me out of my mind. I'm trying to challenge myself and get better so I can be a big girl and live a responsible life with order, but I hate everything about paying bills, making calls, changing services, blah blah blah... oddly though, I'm super good at all that. I'd rather just take pictures.

Shopping eases my sorrows. I think that's part of my moodiness lately too, I am poor and haven't shopped for myself in a LOOOONG time. I know it's shallow, but I am okay admitting to that, I have some really deep areas in my life, but I have some that are completely materialistic, I see that as balance. If I ever resort to having a sugar daddy, then I think my shopping will have overtaken me. I actually put together look books for fun in preparation for when I finally do get to shop. Fashion will always hold a place in my heart.

I can sew, and actually I can sew really well. For those of you who don't know, I used to make custom clothing for children. I take pictures. Before moving to Austin I had a photography business that was really taking off. I love to write. I put myself in college when I was 25 and my English professor said she wanted a copy of my first book after she read my rough draft of my first paper, her words still inspire me. I'm handy. When I want to do something, I just figure it out and do it. I like to have polish on my nails. Since I'm not in the bar that much anymore (just some weekends I work to make ends meet), I paint my nails at least twice a week, just something that makes me smile. I appreciate a wide range of music, art, movies, books, and basically...everything. I want to try everything and I find something I like almost everywhere.

Maybe I'm scary, maybe I seem like my whole life is set and planned, but it's so wide open and I don't want restrictions or rules on it, I just want to feel it all and live it big.

{ snow de facto } ~ austin area photographer

Nothing to ready really... just sharing a bunch of pictures from our snow day in Austin, TX.

{ ingenuously white trash } ~ austin area photographer

The new job has allowed me a pretty set and normal schedule, so finally I have weekends on a regular basis to spend with my girls. A couple weeks ago I declared it to be hair cut day. I had no idea how backwoods I was being by suggesting this, after all, I have cut the girl's hair in the past. The difference this time was my intent on noticing details lately and really paying close attention to the seemingly insignificant. So it was on this particular Saturday that I realized I am distinctly white trash at times (with a dash of hippie).



I set up a little make shift salon in the kitchen, which consisted of a sheet on the floor (Ralph Lauren sheet which makes it that much more of an oxy moron just like me), a vintage chair with a footstool on top, and a potato towel for a drape. So there I stood barefoot, skirt tucked in the top because it's super long and I had to get it out of the way, then I tucked my scissors into the waistband and went to work (just after snapping a self portrait to remind myself of this day).



We had a ball, truly. There was laughter, giggles, jokes, and fun. I really couldn't have designed a better day and it all happened just by being present. I have let so many days slip by un-adored. I know it will happen again because I'm human, however my aim is to savor time, live a little more on the edge, keep myself open, and be childlike with my girls.




Last night while talking to a very dear friend, I shared something that has been washing over me lately and kind of become one of those revelations that changes my perspective of something I've been semi aware of into a greater understanding and appreciation. The thought is this: I want my girls to know their mom. I can't say that I truly know my own mother. When I say know, I mean deeply understand her nature, her likes, her style, her nurturing, ect. In order for any child to really grasp the depth of who their parents are as individuals and not just parents, the mother and father must each know who they are. What I'm saying is, if I had just me in this world...who am I? That's the person I want my girls to know because I want them to grow up to do the same, to be who they are and live in a healthy state of independence. As I have been reading another book (because I like to read more than one at a time, I'm weird that way), a book about mental health and the things we have to learn to heal from our pasts, I'm challenged by the stories in it and want to give my girls a well balanced example. I know that my life and the choices I have made already will affect them and often that scares me, but honesty and love are powerful and I believe I have some pretty darn fantastic girls even as young as they are I am so proud of who they are.




Being just a little silly is certainly something I enjoy, okay maybe I'm a lot silly. Life is way too short to be rigid and have no fun. Playing hair dresser and squirting water in my kids face to make them laugh are just part of my job s their mom, every job has it's perks you know...some just have more than others. ;) It will take somebody pretty incredible to ever be brought into our circle here, I sometimes don't think it's going to happen. Going back to the place of knowing myself, I do know that's what I want, I want to share this crazy and beautiful life one day with someone with a strong and positive nature.




That's all the heavy stuff for tonight. Day one of my stepping away from Facebook has gone well. I took the app off my phone and sent personal emails for birthdays instead of using a wall post. I also took more pictures today than I have in a while, actually grabbed my Beast when I left for the gym at 6 am and drove an hour to my gym 15 minutes away... SNOW day in Austin, crazy! You will see those pictures soon enough. Goodnight sweet readers and I hope you will add my link to your faves or something so we do not lose touch now that I will not be posting these links on Facebook much longer....

{ evaluation + direction } ~ austin area photographer

For I while I have considered stepping back from Facebook. Not to try and make any point or be an elitist. I just feel like it's a shallow part of my days that I could do without. There are aspects I really like, and that has been my cause for hesitation. Tonight I was telling a friend that I might just abstain and exercise some self control and time management, but I'm actually pretty good about staying off my phone and computer when I have priorities that need attention. On my drive home from this gathering at my new job, I was thinking about a book I'm reading about meditation and focus and living in the present. I realized that I have my mind going in way too many directions. I've been longing to write more on here and share more photography, but you know what, Facebook gets all the love, I post way more on there. So what would happen if I used my blog as my main social media? I began to let that idea roll around and it resounded inside me positively. This is what I plan to do. I will begin to make some edits in my life that will focus me on my writing, more on my photography, and truly living each moment more aware of my own life.



I'm smattering this post with old photos because this is something I want to return to, I want to capture more day to day memories like I used to when I stayed at home. Yes, it was much easier then, but I have no real excuse now except that I have gotten out of the habit. However, if I make it my goal to share more real photos here and not just "mobile uploads" then perhaps I will once again get into a routine of having my camera handy and snapping away and uploading from my Beast camera on a regular basis. This, I think, is a good plan.



In addition to this being about time, this parting ways with Facebook is also about relationships. I have some amazing friends that I communicate regularly with on Facebook, however, I am still available other ways, so we will not lose touch. In all honesty, I just don't need the quasi friendship that some people seem to want to maintain via Facebook. I love face to face and hearing laughter versus LOL. My heart feels good when I get to tell someone in person how much I "Like" their joke. If not in person, what if I got back to my old habit of sending cards...like real mail! It feels so good to get genuine mail in the mailbox. Also text messages make me happy. So really and truly, I just feel like Facebook steals from all the ways that truly build a relationship and strengthen bonds. It's hard to beat a phone chat with a long distance friend, so why would we need Facebook to stay in touch?




I don't take Facebook seriously, so why has it taken me this long to let go? Because it's fun and I like sharing and the connections, but it's time for me to focus on making better connections and spending more of the time I have on my computer doing what actually brings me the most joy. I don't hate Facebook and I don't think quitting is something everyone should do. It's just time for me. I hope this doesn't seem high and mighty, I'm not coming from that position at all, I don't think Facebook is a time waster, I think some people choose to waste their time on Facebook. For me, I don't have a lot of extra time and I feel like this blog is where I want to spend more time. I also don't have Angry Birds on my iPhone for that same reason. Believe me, I'll probably have some twinges of sadness when I delete my account on there, hopefully it will be overcome with excitement as I get back to devoting time on here and challenging myself to new and fun adventures in my talents and desires.



My plan is to link this post on Facebook and give a few days of notice so that anyone who might not have my email or this blog link can have a chance to see my move. I always love feedback, so that will give a few days for you guys to try and sway me. ;)



A few more pictures before I sign off for the night. It's been a LONG day and it's really not my favorite because it's super cold here in Austin, TX and I am a huge baby when it comes to being cold. I seriously am just miserable and would love to be a bear and hibernate. Just stay home in my Snuggie with Anna Karenina and a cup of apple cider steaming beside me, yes that sure beats my reality of waking up to 18* temperatures and NO electricity. Boo. No more whining, I'm beat and I just love you for reading this far! You friends, are amazing and I thank you each for always allowing me to share on here and the encouragement you always bring to my life. Thank you and good night!

{ enraptured by kors } ~ austin area photographer

Do yourself a favor... click this link.

For many years now I have had one favorite designer and a lot of runner's up. He can never be overtaken in the running though, because I feel like he designs his clothes with my dreams in mind. His style is my style. We share a heart. I love you Michael Kors. This first picture is absolutely killing me, I WANT to wear that outfit, I see myself in it. Ugh, it's painful that I don't own it. Like a lot of things in my life, I have to keep these as dreams. Today I was sad about that. Today made me feel like taking pictures and writing...and of course going back to my roots and love of fashion. God I miss fashion.




Sometimes I become discouraged with how tunneled my life is. How no matter what I dream or what I believe I can do, reality reminds me that there are limits. My heart believes so much more than my reality. I have hopes and pipe dreams that belong to children, not women almost in their 30's. Am I nuts? Hasn't my life proved to me time and again that I can't have things just because I want them? I have such a thick head, this idea does not sink in with me, I just keep on hoping and wanting. I want to walk the streets of NYC in all white like the picture below. I can imagine how it will feel with a gauze skirt brushing my legs and sun warming my hair and making me squint ever so slightly behind my gorgeous aviator glasses (the one thing I do have MK). I will be walking to the park to sit and work on a piece for the magazine that will be my employer. It's really vivid to me. Certain days I almost believe it won't happen and I get disappointed, but then I open to the idea that maybe it just won't happen exactly one way, perhaps I should open myself to more avenues of writing, photography, and fashion. I continue to do this and I will because it brings me joy...but I do know that my fantasies are strong for a reason, there is truth in them somewhere and I will keep my fingers crossed and dreams alive.




I apologize because this seems vague in areas. Some things I can't really explain all the way because they aren't fully developed inside me. I want to write, I want to take pictures, and I want to share them with more than my 7 blog readers (although dears, I truly love you guys). Since Sunday I have felt slightly empty, I have a hole where my writing and pictures should be. Have you ever felt like pieces of your heart were being held away from you? That's how I feel in a few places in my life right now. It makes me feel alone as well, because I don't think anyone else around me knows what it's like to live in my shoes, yet many seem to have opinions about my life.



So feeling blue I turned to my main man...and Michael, your Spring line did not let me down, on the contrary! I am completely in love with so many pieces and the outfitting and clean lines. Heaven. I'm about to lay my head on my pillow for a good night of sleep, and I can't wait for dreams to fill my head and pour into my heart about all the things I want to do and all the beautiful things that are in my life and still to come. Michael Kors, you change my world.



I might even have to get out the sewing machine and see if I still have anything in me...because I want that green skirt more than I can say, but I don't see $1200.00 in my future for spending money. :)