Wednesday, September 25, 2013

{ sadness in try } - yogi. photographer. self critic. austin, tx

Do I love my own photos? I guess you could say that it's a "love/hate relationship."

Why am I challenging myself to this project of photographing myself practicing yoga with so many exposed flaws? Because I want to love it all.

visvamitrasana - working towards

Each of us enters our own battle of self image. Mine began very early in life when my older sister used to call me "potbelly." Over the years I have done many harmful things to my body to lose weight, maintain weight, or just because I was caught in a habit. This skin, these bones, all of my muscles have been abused at some point.

When I look at my pictures, I scrutinize. Mercilessly I judge down to the tiniest (but huge in my mind) detail, things I would see as gorgeous on someone else, I furrow my brow and self deprecate in my head. There is an ever growing list of things that I want to "correct" about my body. I want this to end.

Today I'm struggling in my long fight against self criticism, it's a low day for my body-image. While it's very kind to hear praise for my strength, my ability to overcome, I find myself thinking "I wish I saw that" or "well they can't see...."

My photos and self expression are aiding me in a journey toward loving the entirety of my being. Like forcing a narcissist to live without mirrors, I am pushing myself in front of the lens and my words into the open. In waves I experience this awe of my own body, followed by doubt or disappointment. Onward I plow, to the place where the beauty I see in others I can also witness in my own flesh. One frame at a time I am unveiling, I am desperate to accept fully, to revel in a love for my skin, blood, bones, muscle, hair, even my softer, more full (because I'm not going to use the "f-word" on myself anymore) parts.


1 comment:

Elwood Blues said...

Your pictures have a beautiful and unique style and I am motivated by your yoga to revitalize a long forgotten interest.

It is a mystery to my why it is that those of us with little confidence in ourselves have something of a habit of baring our photographic souls in front of strangers