Sunday, January 24, 2016

{ to raise } - mama. yogi. lover. soul. austin, tx.

It stayed with me all day, that scene when I gently held her shoulders and said "very soon this will all seem like a tiny thing, but I know you're scared and upset right now, try to breathe."
My sweet girl, to her the world and all she cares about seemed like it was crumbling, because of a forgotten jersey and time on the clock.
I watched her blue eyes burn red at the corners and her freckled cheeks begin to splotch the special way they do when she cries.
Even now recalling it makes me cry along with her.
Over and over I've replayed the moment she hung up the phone letting me know exactly how angry she was.
So disappointed to be missing out on what she wanted to do.
I swallowed a few swear words and sharply exhaled.
"Try..." I coached myself, "to come from a place of understanding instead of hurt feelings."
I witnessed her walls plummet and her heart open when I hugged her with compassion and thanked her for her sacrifice.
This most wonderful, unexpected gift to my life is a leader, a loving young woman, and forgiving even when she's unhappy.
These passing times of grief, fear, displeasure, chaos, sadness, and stubbornness circle around and today I realized their magnificent value.
I've done it wrong a million times and beat myself up for not being more fill-in-the-blank.
Repeatedly I've looked back at my (re)actions and wished I could take back what I said or did.
These struggles are giving me the opportunity to do it better, to love from a deeper well.
What is currently, will soon be a memory, a lesson, and when trial comes back around the bend, we are all a little bit lovelier and ready to embrace growth.
I thought today of past relationships and how I've mourned, each one feeling more painful than the last.
Pain relative to the commitment I made, of course it hurts more, I gave more of my heart, my hopes, and my family.
Tonight I smile while tears sneak out of my eyes at the knowledge of joy to come, sweetened by gratitude accrued in much loss.
What a simple and stunning revelation, that I can cherish even the hard moments like yesterday, today, and certainly to come...and use the dark time to hold love close and warm and until the light comes again.
Because darling, it will come again.

3 comments:

Kent Smith said...

Lovely. Pain, hurt feelings, but through it all, gratitude.

anniereed said...

I love everything about you!! <3

anniereed said...

I want to hug you! xoxoxoxo