{ unspoken not unwritten } ~ austin area photographer

Warning, this is a heavy post. There are some deep and personal things I have been sorting out lately and I feel that my best writing comes when I share the hardest and scariest things. In an effort to challenge myself as a writer, I am sharing the inside, the raw, the tumultuous emotions I have been wading through. On the bright side of this, a light at the end of a weighty post...is that maybe you will celebrate with me in having admitted and dealt with some things I've long been confused and afraid of.

I have always been a little nervous that I wasn't a good enough mother. Fact. I knew I was doing my best, but I felt like it was never going to be close to what my girls need and deserve. I frequently worried about this and still do at times. I would try to remind myself that it's all about love and that I have overflowing for my girls, but still this fear didn't ease.

A book I have been reading has helped me recount many things in my past and realize the conditioning and message I have had in my life about that I chose to believe. Somewhere along the line I believed a lie, I accepted the lie that I was not good enough. From that point on even when people weren't saying that, I perceived that. I know it happened long, long ago, and some people may read this and be offended, however I am placing no blame. Life happens and people make mistakes, it's all about how we recover from those.

I didn't recover for a long time, in fact I went through very painful phases where I allowed that fear to literally run my life. For a short period of time I stopped eating almost entirely, I refused any and all help. One day I noticed that even my eyes seemed lifeless and I sought help. From there the fear took over other areas of my life. My whole marriage was spent trying to be the wife I was "supposed" to be and I never felt good enough. I felt like my old church wanted me to be different than who I really was, wear different clothes and use different words. Insert confession: sometimes I swear, not that much, but sometimes....love me anyway, or don't. All the things I tried to change for others only made me hollow and loath myself more. That is where life began to blur and needed clarity.




Somewhere inside I found that I was stronger than I had known, that I knew things about myself that I had pushed down, and that being honest and real is the only way to live free and at peace. Lies I had believed gripped my life and held me back from truly loving everything, because all my time was spent worrying. At 16 in a small town I was once the pregnant outcast, I guess that prepared me for what I would go through these last couple years as an adult losing the love and comfort of close friends and family because of divorce. Being the one to stand alone to do what I know I must do is part of why I am here and why I am okay to be an individual. On the path of conforming to everyone else's ideas of who I should be, I was headed in a very scary direction, one that can cause serious illnesses and even fatality to a soul. Though I still have times when I worry if I can ever be worthy of my role as "mama," I know that something from my heart is in each of my girls and with love, guidance, and support, they will grow their own way with grace and strength.

Story: For Christmas I received an envelope in my stocking, it was from Avery and Masyn and they had filled it with sheets of paper. Each paper was a hand written certificate, one for being "World's Funniest Mama," another read "World's Nicest Mama," and more. The last few pages were poignant and broke my heart beautifully... written out in pencil they read "YOU ARE AN AWESOME PERSON. WE WOULD DIE IF EVER YOU YOURSELF THOUGHT DIFFERENTLY. SO STOP WORRYING, YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB. LOVE AVERY AND MASYN.
Humbled. Grateful. Accepting. Motivated. Captivated. Inspired. Challenged. Loved. Proud. All things I feel when I read those pages and see my sweet girls. I will daily, try to build them up and encourage them on their own journey. A favorite quote of mine will end this post, thank you if you have read this far. ;)
"The greatest gift you can give your children is roots of responsibility, with wings of independence." - Denis Waitley

mama again - {austin area child photographer}

After 2 weeks and 3 days... I am a mama again! My girls are finally here with me at my parents house! There is so much that I can't do for them, so thankfully Gam and Pop are doing all the hard stuff like lifting and baths, but it's nice to be reading stories and snuggling with my babies after such a long time apart.



In recovery news, I am really doing better. I shower alone now, although my mom fears that I might pass out or slip so she stands guard right outside. :o) I am grateful she is there, because I'm a tiny bit fearful myself, but it feels good to do something on my own. Being a little more able to care for myself gives me hope that I will get over all this and maybe one day be glad I chose to have this surgery. LOL, I know I will be glad... some day.

My sitting and walking time has grown too, I was up for over an hour last night before getting light headed! I am so excited about these small accomplishments, because I really was afraid that I had made a huge mistake and I would never heal. Now I feel like I have come a little ways and little by little I can maybe have a life again.

Funny story from Masyn, because she is already cracking me up....

First funny~
Evy and Masyn were trying to play a game but Evelyn didn't want to play by the rules so she left and said "I'm not playing with you anymore Masyn!"

Evelyn climbed up in bed with me to snuggle and Masyn said "Mama, do you really want to snuggle with a girl so mean?"

Second funny~
Masyn pretended for a long time this morning that she could only speak Spanish, so Evy was crying and begging her to play or explain and Masyn just kept on rambling off non-sense that she called Spanish.

I was listening and dying laughing... These girls brighten my day SO much!!!! So long boredom!!!!!

speculations

This is the hardest post I've ever composed. Not because I don't know what to say, but because I am posting the most private and scariest of pictures ever... I don't even know if I will go through with this, I'm shaking as I type it.

There have been several kind words offered about my upcoming surgery, as well as a lot of guesses about what I am having done. I just want to share with you all what is really going on and what I am about to embark on.

When I was eleven I began to have back pain every day. I thought it was my mattress or maybe growing pains. When I was almost 14, my best friend discovered that my spine was not straight while giving me a back rub one day. A chiropractor confirmed this with x-ray and began daily treatments to help me with the pain. After a few months he gave up. My back was too advanced for him to help me long term.

I was advised that I needed surgery to correct my scoliosis. Then I learned something that would change my entire life, I was pregnant. At 16 I was not able to have surgery and yes, stubborn me, I refused to wear any type of brace only to buy myself more time... the brace they informed me would not straighten my back, but just keep it from getting any worse. I didn't want to waste my youth in a brace and I don't regret that decision a bit.

After two more beautiful girls, my back reached an all time high in the pain department. I went to see a specialist in Houston. This doctor let me know that I should have surgery as soon as possible, while I am young enough to help speed my recovery. So two years later, I am facing my surgery. A week from Friday, I will have back surgery to straighten my spine and improve my quality of life by taking away my daily pain and limited wardrobe choices (that's a small personal excitement for me...gotta look for ANY bright side).

So I've written this much, the hard part comes now with me showing you all the part I hate most about my body. I don't show my back, and for the reason that I think it evokes fear in others and I'm extremely self conscious about it. I will post after shots sometime during recovery. You will still be hearing from me, I will have about 2 months off from work where I have to take it very easy. During that time I will be moving out of our current house, not sure where to just yet, but it will still be in the Austin area, hopefully closer to my Anthro.



Wow, I can't believe I found the nerve to share all this. I appreciate all the kindness you readers continually extend to me, it means more to me than I will ever be able to communicate back to you, but I truly hope you know at least a little bit of how much I treasure each comment and email that I receive, it lifts my mood so much!!

A few details about all this: The date of my surgery is May 15th. I will spend about 4 to 7 days in the hospital, then I will recover at my parents house for a few more weeks. After that I will be moving back home to Austin, but I do not have a place yet, so there is some worry there about that... just a lot of "un-known" that I am trying to not worry about right now. I'm also scared about getting back into good physical shape after this, so if anyone has some resources that they can share about that, I would LOVE to read up!!!

Thanks so much for reading all this and for accepting my whiny post without judgement.