{ unspoken not unwritten } ~ austin area photographer

Warning, this is a heavy post. There are some deep and personal things I have been sorting out lately and I feel that my best writing comes when I share the hardest and scariest things. In an effort to challenge myself as a writer, I am sharing the inside, the raw, the tumultuous emotions I have been wading through. On the bright side of this, a light at the end of a weighty post...is that maybe you will celebrate with me in having admitted and dealt with some things I've long been confused and afraid of.

I have always been a little nervous that I wasn't a good enough mother. Fact. I knew I was doing my best, but I felt like it was never going to be close to what my girls need and deserve. I frequently worried about this and still do at times. I would try to remind myself that it's all about love and that I have overflowing for my girls, but still this fear didn't ease.

A book I have been reading has helped me recount many things in my past and realize the conditioning and message I have had in my life about that I chose to believe. Somewhere along the line I believed a lie, I accepted the lie that I was not good enough. From that point on even when people weren't saying that, I perceived that. I know it happened long, long ago, and some people may read this and be offended, however I am placing no blame. Life happens and people make mistakes, it's all about how we recover from those.

I didn't recover for a long time, in fact I went through very painful phases where I allowed that fear to literally run my life. For a short period of time I stopped eating almost entirely, I refused any and all help. One day I noticed that even my eyes seemed lifeless and I sought help. From there the fear took over other areas of my life. My whole marriage was spent trying to be the wife I was "supposed" to be and I never felt good enough. I felt like my old church wanted me to be different than who I really was, wear different clothes and use different words. Insert confession: sometimes I swear, not that much, but sometimes....love me anyway, or don't. All the things I tried to change for others only made me hollow and loath myself more. That is where life began to blur and needed clarity.




Somewhere inside I found that I was stronger than I had known, that I knew things about myself that I had pushed down, and that being honest and real is the only way to live free and at peace. Lies I had believed gripped my life and held me back from truly loving everything, because all my time was spent worrying. At 16 in a small town I was once the pregnant outcast, I guess that prepared me for what I would go through these last couple years as an adult losing the love and comfort of close friends and family because of divorce. Being the one to stand alone to do what I know I must do is part of why I am here and why I am okay to be an individual. On the path of conforming to everyone else's ideas of who I should be, I was headed in a very scary direction, one that can cause serious illnesses and even fatality to a soul. Though I still have times when I worry if I can ever be worthy of my role as "mama," I know that something from my heart is in each of my girls and with love, guidance, and support, they will grow their own way with grace and strength.

Story: For Christmas I received an envelope in my stocking, it was from Avery and Masyn and they had filled it with sheets of paper. Each paper was a hand written certificate, one for being "World's Funniest Mama," another read "World's Nicest Mama," and more. The last few pages were poignant and broke my heart beautifully... written out in pencil they read "YOU ARE AN AWESOME PERSON. WE WOULD DIE IF EVER YOU YOURSELF THOUGHT DIFFERENTLY. SO STOP WORRYING, YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB. LOVE AVERY AND MASYN.
Humbled. Grateful. Accepting. Motivated. Captivated. Inspired. Challenged. Loved. Proud. All things I feel when I read those pages and see my sweet girls. I will daily, try to build them up and encourage them on their own journey. A favorite quote of mine will end this post, thank you if you have read this far. ;)
"The greatest gift you can give your children is roots of responsibility, with wings of independence." - Denis Waitley