Sunday, January 11, 2009

laying down self

This is a humbling post to write and though I doubt it will be read by those who felt affronted in the last few weeks, I know in my deepest being that it's something I have to say out in the open and lay it bare so that I can have real peace.

Without a trace of menace, honestly, I injured family members who mean the world to me. It was purely unintended, but snowballed to something large and cancerous. Instead of stopping this before it avalanched on top of me and those I hold dear, I planted myself firm in my indignation, and tried to defend my side. At this point I take fault. That is the place in time where I lost focus of life and looked only at my own hurt, my own pain, and my own previous actions. Instead of moving forward, I tried to force others to see my side of an event. For this, I am beyond upset with myself. I detest this. So, I apologize to you two, if you read this, you know who you are... and if you are related to me, I'm sure that you have been informed of who they are. I'm sorry for being upset when my actions were questioned and losing site of the bigger picture in order to defend my own pride. Pride is a nasty word to me and I can't believe I wreaked so badly of self pity through out those couple of weeks when I was feeling so hurt. Peace and joy should always be my motivation and I ask that you both forgive me for trying to make you see my side and my injuries.

I love you both, both are equally important to me, and both are not just my family, but my BFF's for life.

signblog

3 comments:

Lisa~ said...

Good girl for stepping up to apologize! Better late than never.

Stacy Cross said...

Girl, I've been there. Use this experience as a chance to grow and learn humility. Know that God will take this and refine you with it. Wishing you peace in the midst of this feeling.

Jennifer Paganelli said...

Oh our ego can be so senseless and unwavering but when we catch it in the act that mindfulness can save us from a long road of loneliness ! Good for you for recognizing it and calling it out. That monstrous head
can claim another victim cause you are not having it...
I am deeply touched by your candidness .....