speculations

This is the hardest post I've ever composed. Not because I don't know what to say, but because I am posting the most private and scariest of pictures ever... I don't even know if I will go through with this, I'm shaking as I type it.

There have been several kind words offered about my upcoming surgery, as well as a lot of guesses about what I am having done. I just want to share with you all what is really going on and what I am about to embark on.

When I was eleven I began to have back pain every day. I thought it was my mattress or maybe growing pains. When I was almost 14, my best friend discovered that my spine was not straight while giving me a back rub one day. A chiropractor confirmed this with x-ray and began daily treatments to help me with the pain. After a few months he gave up. My back was too advanced for him to help me long term.

I was advised that I needed surgery to correct my scoliosis. Then I learned something that would change my entire life, I was pregnant. At 16 I was not able to have surgery and yes, stubborn me, I refused to wear any type of brace only to buy myself more time... the brace they informed me would not straighten my back, but just keep it from getting any worse. I didn't want to waste my youth in a brace and I don't regret that decision a bit.

After two more beautiful girls, my back reached an all time high in the pain department. I went to see a specialist in Houston. This doctor let me know that I should have surgery as soon as possible, while I am young enough to help speed my recovery. So two years later, I am facing my surgery. A week from Friday, I will have back surgery to straighten my spine and improve my quality of life by taking away my daily pain and limited wardrobe choices (that's a small personal excitement for me...gotta look for ANY bright side).

So I've written this much, the hard part comes now with me showing you all the part I hate most about my body. I don't show my back, and for the reason that I think it evokes fear in others and I'm extremely self conscious about it. I will post after shots sometime during recovery. You will still be hearing from me, I will have about 2 months off from work where I have to take it very easy. During that time I will be moving out of our current house, not sure where to just yet, but it will still be in the Austin area, hopefully closer to my Anthro.



Wow, I can't believe I found the nerve to share all this. I appreciate all the kindness you readers continually extend to me, it means more to me than I will ever be able to communicate back to you, but I truly hope you know at least a little bit of how much I treasure each comment and email that I receive, it lifts my mood so much!!

A few details about all this: The date of my surgery is May 15th. I will spend about 4 to 7 days in the hospital, then I will recover at my parents house for a few more weeks. After that I will be moving back home to Austin, but I do not have a place yet, so there is some worry there about that... just a lot of "un-known" that I am trying to not worry about right now. I'm also scared about getting back into good physical shape after this, so if anyone has some resources that they can share about that, I would LOVE to read up!!!

Thanks so much for reading all this and for accepting my whiny post without judgement.