Thursday, January 20, 2011

{ sisters pine } ~ austin area child photographer

I miss my sisters. I have four. All are missed, some missed more, some missed uniquely, still all are missed. Because of how much I long for the relationship and time with my sisters that I once had, the recent friction between Evelyn and Masyn ways heavy on me.

The once inseparable duo has now become s disgruntled chase for affection. Poor Evy, she adores her big sisters, but Masyn was her pal and partner in crime and suddenly it seems as though 1st grade has tainted that. Masyn feels too old for her baby sister and it seriously is breaking my heart. I know it's a phase, but I suppose I just want them to cherish each moment and I'm acutely aware of how much it can hurt to be estranged from that person who is your closest friend from birth.

I recall how Avery reacted when Masyn was born, she didn't lash out, but she never latched on. Masyn and Avery have actually become closer as of late which is awesome, and it also gives me hope that Masyn is just in that age where she is surrounded by new thoughts and ideas and maybe her little sis seems to complicate it right now. I just keep reminding her what my mom used to say to my sisters and me..."your sisters will be the best friends you ever have."

{ the warmth I miss }

In her secret place of secrets inside...I think Masyn still loves that Evy looks up to her so much and just yearns to play and be around her. I can see a faint sparkle and I know that somewhere in there she loves the attention. Please time, bring back the days when they cried without each other and stayed up giggling together in their room until they both passed out asleep. I don't want them to miss a single minute of the love and laughter that they can share as sisters. I sure wish I could snatch back a few of my own.


Sunday, January 16, 2011

{ reverie abashed and un } ~ austin area photographer

Not to beat a dead pony here, but once again I find myself contemplating the cycle of 2010. Since I have recapped that previously, I began to look at my older photos, from 2009 and 2008 (I wish I could go back more, most of those older photos were lost in a tragic computer crash). The following images have nothing to do with what I have been wanting to blog about...but I decided that as with most things, I can somehow find a link and I will...maybe by the end of this post I will be able to tie it together, for now I'm just going to let my thoughts over pour and run onto the keyboard.

{ Masyn's lovely little braid stirs my heart ~ 2008, she was 4 }

{ sweet days ago }

Inspired by a couple of customers this week, I am really diving into my writing. It's been my belief that if I shared too many details on here, someone would definitely find it and write my book before I could. That is absurd, since it's not terribly interesting, but it's mine and I do plan to write it so I guess it's a natural and irrational fear. I'm going to let things spill on here, that I have possibly not shared with anyone, or very few. Not that I have shocking and intriguing skeletons in my closet, but I have memories surfacing lately that I feel like some people might relate to, and those who can relate to me are a small group (I speak mostly because of my unique upbringing).

{ 2008 ~ again my little Masyn at age 4. The sunshine is like her presence in a room, it burns and illuminates everything brilliantly }

{ sunshines }

My parents made a decision long before I was even born, a choice that would make me an immediate outsider to others my age. Until the age of 25, I never attended a school. My family believed for many reasons that homeschooling was the best route. Although I felt like an outcast from kids my own age, I honestly felt like there was no place that I truly fit. Many of my memories of what should have been "normal" kid activities are from a spectators view, I watched others play T-Ball and cheer on the sidelines for the hometown football team. It was difficult to have those things just out of reach my whole childhood. The heart behind my mother and father's educational decision was to protect me, but I felt crippled. Eventually I reached a point where I was scared to go to school, it seemed kids who went to school must have been smarter than I was. These and other things I have been recalling stayed with me so long and I never realized how they created a filter in my mind. I'm proud of myself for letting go of that scared girl and stepping into my grown up self. The wiring in me is unlike anyone else in my family, it deepens my belief that we are all born unique and persuasion to be a certain way only goes as far as our own strength allows us to tolerate being dictated.

{ Evelyn Blair + Masyn Elise ~ 2008 my two littles when they were inseparable (they still sort of are, but Masyn doesn't like to admit it) }

{ most terribly wonderful twosome }

As forewarned, I'm jumping to a totally unrelated subject. It's still in my past so that connects it (sort of).

A couple of days ago I went to see "Blue Valentine" without expectations except that of seeing a good movies with actors I enjoy. My heart was wrenched, my stomach in knots the whole time. Honestly I rave because it evoked such real and dramatic emotions in me that I forgot I was watching a movie and felt I was being forced take part in a real and painful marriage. As odd as it sounds, watching the movie hardly made me think of my own divorce, rather it made me remember someone in my life who held me in a vicious repetition of happiness and heartache. Maybe it's all I have been reading lately and studying about mental illness and relationships. It just seemed so clear as that movie played out, that one character had a huge capacity for love and felt things deeply, but that meant all, jealousy, fear, pride, ect. While watching I became filled with gratitude, for so many reasons I am thankful that my situation was so much less extreme and I can only relate to it, I will never have to live through that. This giant part of me wanted to leap into the screen and hold them both and say that it would all be alright, I wanted to assuage their suffering.

Here is where I tie in my photos....

No matter what has occurred in my life, these three girls remain the first and foremost beautiful and important piece of me. They are the reason for me to overcome, to dream, to love, they are my all. How motivating to make my life count, when times speeds by so quickly and they grow and change and find their way. I want to open up my life, for their lives to be open.

{ Christmas 2008 ~ my three loves }

{merry christmas}

My most sincere apologies for the lack of structure and meaningful fluidity of this post and those that may follow. I'm experimenting with free writing and challenging myself to not hold back or over rationalize what or how I post, at least until I am writing much more often (or until I stop having visitors and my page loads deplete). Feedback is always welcome and often appreciated (sometimes it takes a moment for the appreciation to set it).

My parting encouragement to you all is to let yourself rest, fall into reverie and see what all comes about.


Friday, January 14, 2011

{ flying on my fancy } ~ austin area photographer

I've been wanting to get another tattoo for quite a while now. My last one is almost 2 years old, so I have been a very patient girl. Wednesday I woke up ready and set to get my fourth. As soon as I was out of work, I drove straight to the shop (I had already scheduled the appointment) and we began working on the sketch. The artist was awesome, he drew each bird to be a unique design for me, no tracing or using pictures online, they are exclusive to my shoulder. Truly, I am so pleased and love my new ink. Although, I admit, it's very hard to photograph one's own shoulder...maybe time to get that remote I am always thinking about buying. :)

{ my fourth in flight }

In other happenings, this will be my last full weekend bartending. I have accepted a job in a new dental clinic and I am so excited. The girls are looking forward to normality and I have to say, I think my health will improve with better sleep habits and a better eating regime. I am so grateful for my fun stint in the service industry and I will continue to pick up some shifts to help make my financial ends meet, however the change coming in my life is welcome. So Monday I begin life back in the "real" work world. Wish me luck please and if you live in Austin...let me recommend an amazing new dental clinic! ;)


Friday, January 7, 2011

{ discussing resolution } ~ austin area photographer


Everywhere I go it seems I encounter the inevitable talk of New Year's resolution. My gym is more crowded, people are reading labels in the grocery store, the bars are slower, change is in the air. I thrive. This time of year (minus the cold weather and allergies) is fantastic. Even though it's just the same idea as a new day and new dawn, it means more to people. It signifies such a fresh beginning, a chance to assess and realign life.

As I say all that, I knew before the new year my direction for 2011 was setting into my heart. I want this year to be a deepening of awareness, a year when I get in touch with dreams and take more steps toward them, and open up the closed areas of my life. Many things will go into this process. I know that I must continue to make my health a focus, I'm getting older and I need to keep striving for the most active lifestyle and not let myself be lazy too often. Also I want to make reading a priority again, my mind needs even more exercise than my physical body and it's my firm belief that the two inspire and motivate each other. I will stop selling myself short and settling for a half lived life. I recognize limitations such as finance and time, but I also realize that I fail to unlock all that is in front of me.

Seriously, I can't wait to live twenty-eleven, I know it's going to be a great year. Blessings to you all, I hope you have a high aim and sunshiny outlook!!