Thursday, December 13, 2012

{ a back and a foreword } mother. yogi. witness. austin, tx

This is what I appreciated almost exactly one year ago. Today I have even greater appreciation for these three marvelous girls. Not a day goes by that I don't think to myself "I have been so blessed." Even in the murk of scab pulling that I have been so intwined with recently, they remain the brightest of all lights in my life. They remind me to laugh, to breathe, and to play.

looking back 1 year

As I stirred my coffee this morning (with delicious gingerbread marshmallows bobbling on top), I was churning ideas for New Years celebrations, because I will have a significant amount of time off (for me) and lots of playtime with my lovelies. I want to make it memorable, both by being fun and meaningful.

I am inclined toward the word "Intention" as opposed to the commonly preferred "Resolution." Maybe I even like "Direction"...."What will I create for myself in 2013?" "What will we do as a family in 2013?" "What do I want in 2013?" All of this mingled with the steam of french press holiday blend and I was inspired, so it will be artistic, it will have meaning, and we will do it together...a painting to represent our intentions for 2013. I am so excited, like a kid I cannot wait for this party! This is what play is all about my friends, rekindling that childlike joy and anticipation, that zeal for the juicy parts of living.

It hasn't come without tears and a bloody mess inside, what is brilliant is that it comes along with that and those aches make the splendor more splendid.


Thursday, December 6, 2012

{ perception + energy } yogi. witness. photographer. austin, tx

A favorite author of mine wrote "we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Anais Nin


How true this is and I have finally come to see, if even what I recognize now is just a tiny glimpse into the truth, it's empowering in my choices. Though I have to stop often and consider "why might I be responding this way?" or "what has me so outside my natural self about this situation?" it is changing me in a way that feels lighter and opens me, allowing my creativity to spill into more than merely art projects, writing, and those blatantly artsy things, but to truly manifesting new and fresh experiences to my life.

Last night I cried as I drove over a hill and caught site of the fading blue and luscious orange of the Texas sunset illuminating perfectly a large light barked tree with it's smattering of golden-green leaves set off by that water-color backdrop. My heart felt the beauty and I believe my heartbeat became rhythmic with the pulse of nature, I was home energetically. I felt as though this vibratory alignment has occurred many times before and the familiarity was inspiring. Now I am feeling the shedding of layers compiled of stories that I wrote inside myself and declarations that I made that were self destructive, all can be brought to light and I can place them back in my "life album" as experiences, part of this human life I am living. Maybe not gone, perhaps not even fully healed, but realized in the light as separate from I. My past does have to create my future. How simple, but for me so profound.

My next post shall not be so heavy, because through all of this learning, a shifting has happened where Joy, Play, and Delight have become some of my favorite words!!


Saturday, December 1, 2012

{ pranayama } yogi. witness. austin, tx

I wrote today. I was empty and I sat in my discomfort like a child in a plastic wading pool. I recognized so many times how I have sought refuge in vices, avoiding the experience of feeling my feelings. I listed all that came up as I let myself be with my emptiness, all the ways that I turn from my higher self and act out of fear. "What makes me so afraid?" I asked myself this question in earnest. The only answer is the unknown. I fear what I will see when I experience my pain without any numbing or distraction, when I look at it face to face and acknowledge that it no longer serves me, that my stories have been just that...stories. I am awake.

That was easier today. Tonight, that list of ways in which I run away from my emptiness is laid out before me. I am determined to live from my essence, I sit here with tears and snot, I inhale with unearthly control to the count of f o u r, hold...I open my mouth and I release a heavy sigh out, deep and audible like I am fogging a mirror. Finally I get it, being with my pain is pranayama. Prana, the breath, it is life. This practice of breath is practice of life, living through each moment with awareness of what I feel, whether it be scary or lovely, painful or uplifting, my breath does not stop and my life does not either. My breath can transform, transcend, and bring me back to Divine truth. I AM still, I AM.

I am writing tonight. Writing because it's another part of my practice, being in my body and aware of how everything is in this moment and trying my best to articulate it. These words are my generous exhalation. I pray they turn into crystalized violet light and shimmer out into the world like a lace blanket of lovingkindness.