Sunday, January 24, 2016

{ to raise } - mama. yogi. lover. soul. austin, tx.

It stayed with me all day, that scene when I gently held her shoulders and said "very soon this will all seem like a tiny thing, but I know you're scared and upset right now, try to breathe."
My sweet girl, to her the world and all she cares about seemed like it was crumbling, because of a forgotten jersey and time on the clock.
I watched her blue eyes burn red at the corners and her freckled cheeks begin to splotch the special way they do when she cries.
Even now recalling it makes me cry along with her.
Over and over I've replayed the moment she hung up the phone letting me know exactly how angry she was.
So disappointed to be missing out on what she wanted to do.
I swallowed a few swear words and sharply exhaled.
"Try..." I coached myself, "to come from a place of understanding instead of hurt feelings."
I witnessed her walls plummet and her heart open when I hugged her with compassion and thanked her for her sacrifice.
This most wonderful, unexpected gift to my life is a leader, a loving young woman, and forgiving even when she's unhappy.
These passing times of grief, fear, displeasure, chaos, sadness, and stubbornness circle around and today I realized their magnificent value.
I've done it wrong a million times and beat myself up for not being more fill-in-the-blank.
Repeatedly I've looked back at my (re)actions and wished I could take back what I said or did.
These struggles are giving me the opportunity to do it better, to love from a deeper well.
What is currently, will soon be a memory, a lesson, and when trial comes back around the bend, we are all a little bit lovelier and ready to embrace growth.
I thought today of past relationships and how I've mourned, each one feeling more painful than the last.
Pain relative to the commitment I made, of course it hurts more, I gave more of my heart, my hopes, and my family.
Tonight I smile while tears sneak out of my eyes at the knowledge of joy to come, sweetened by gratitude accrued in much loss.
What a simple and stunning revelation, that I can cherish even the hard moments like yesterday, today, and certainly to come...and use the dark time to hold love close and warm and until the light comes again.
Because darling, it will come again.

Monday, January 18, 2016

{ sweetness of the dessert } - yogi. mama. writer. lover. austin, tx.

Every once in a while I slip away, I go as far away as I can, my isolation amongst the living.
I seek solitude in my body, I sit in the quiet of my apartment and hear the cries of my soul.
From this place all my own I witness angels arguing and laughing, I play with them and braid their hair.
The floor at times feel tremulous and then solidifies as I curl my fingers into it's texture.
I'm here, fully alert, in awe, and extravagantly blessed.
This dessert, though painful to trek to, holds wonder I often forget.
I walked through the driest, grittiest, and unsightliest places to be here.
It's shimmering and I float in nectar I can taste through the pores of my skin.
Serenity not oblivious to pain, but rather here in a strong place so say "come here love, it'll be ok."
My hand reaches to soothe the hurting while I maintain my distance and hold myself.
Three stars glisten close to me, I hear their murmurs and giggles late at night and it's dazzling.
Stepping into the shadows and abandoning the demands of my mind.
This journey isn't simply spiritual, my fingers feel, my mouth tastes, I see more than ever before.
Able to give more of myself and simultaneously protect everything dear to me.
Enchanted by the smell of earth and the sound as my feet pad the ground.
Onward through dunes, lush forrest, busy streets, crowded rooms, I walk in my solitude.

Friday, January 15, 2016

{ record alignment } - yogi. writer. lover. austin, tx.

The ache for you lingers in my arms even as they grow strong.
All this time I've longed to nurture you, and now it's clear that I need my care.
I stepped back from self pity and threw it away.
My choice is to be here, all in.
There isn't a moment with you I regret, you've been a mirror for me, you've shown me my work.
Though my feelings have been hurt, I hold myself open.
You have my compassion until the end of our time here.
Clouds came over me that day and I've been dwelling in the shadow of heartache.
The sunless Summer is dissipating around me, the chill of Winter has me burning.
I want to use myself up, pour myself out, and celebrate my purpose.
I saw my heart spill forth like a teapot, I'm born to share.
The woman I see is one I treasure.
An extravagant giver, tenacious and stubborn in love.
Considerate and loyal to the point of mockery.
The mother of my children, my inner guide, my strength.
There wasn't a mistake I made that caused you to push me away.
For months I refused to love this body and soul consumed with the notion that I messed up.
Who I am is right for me and I gave myself to you authentically.
Every touch, word, smile, gift, silence, and scent was from my essence.
I wouldn't change how I showed up and I accept where we are.
This is where I right my wrong.
I plunge my heart back in my chest.
I lavish my skin with decadent scrubs and oils.
My feet never stop.
Books are once again my lifeblood.
The sky holds wonder this week.
I've seen the sunrise every day.
I was made for this life, made to love me.

Monday, January 11, 2016

{ the season } - yogi. survivor. mama. writer. austin, tx

It blew in unexpected.
My arms are still open letting the waves engulf me again and again.
I push life aside to soak in the healing weight of exhaustion.
It's leaving me, if it was ever real to begin with.
My skin burns from the growing light of my soul.
I keep giving all.
More than all, I'm diving to a depth I've never seen and I haven't reached the bottom.
This obsession carries bliss and I'm earning nirvana.
I smell the sweetness of honey and the firmness of my own skin.
Wet hair on my shoulders and ginger on my tongue.
A familiar pain in my back and a new hope in my heart.
I forgot what it felt like to be magic in the eyes of a lover.
I stare myself down like the only one in the room.
The lost pride is shimmering down my body with a new gleam.
Welcome back divine appreciation.
It's cliche, but real.
Thank you to the Universe for holding me when I let go.
Thank you to my girls for needing me to stay.
Thank you to my past for pushing me to grow.
Thank you to the unknown for granting my life the romantic quality of mystery.

Monday, January 4, 2016

{ knowing things } - yogi. writer. lover. mama. photographer. austin, tx.

I don't know everything, I'm not a know-it-all.
But I know a few precious things.

People matter and we should tell them.
The National never gets old.
Tears are part of life and usher in healing.
Every emotion will surface, even if it comes in a mask.
There isn't always a "why."
Some people aren't awake yet or they're down for a nap.
We are all here for a reason, some of us are trying to live up to it.
Salt makes rings not fit and sugar does that to pants.
A simple touch can take away a lot of hurt.
A kiss can cross an ocean of miscommunication.
Forgiveness isn't foolish.
It's easy to impress a stranger, but lovers deserve the gold.
Lettuce and watermelon are silly.
Hugs are vital.
Actions really do speak louder and more honestly than words.
A deep breath can bring me off the ledge.
In life there will be loss.
And there will be life.