Thursday, January 26, 2012

{ acceptance }

Sometimes I am baffled by my own silliness. How can it be that I have read, learned, and lived so many beautiful lessons and still manage to forget them at times?.... I marvel over how calm and at peace within myself I have become and then see myself spiral into self criticism and berate who I am. The past two weeks have been eye opening for me. When people told me how intense yoga training would be I grew more excited, I genuinely want to grow and change. The idea of having this opening fueled my desire to take this big step. I under estimated the pain that might accompany this journey. Though some may say it sounds cliche or even cheesy, yoga really has changed my life and as I sat here today reading more of the Yoga Sutra I had a wake up call to how I have been living recently, I have been giving my all for everyone but me and growing discouraged and insecure in myself because of the lack attention and love that I should have been giving myself. I'm not promoting selfishness or saying I want to give less to anyone else, just that I have not acknowledged that I am reaching and stepping out towards a goal and salute myself. Fear in failure has been dragging my mood down and the truth is that I have already succeeded in so much I should have a great deal more confidence than I have been moving with lately. I have avoided self evaluation, but as I have been thinking about this all today I am proud of who I am and my life, I have so much good and I forget to say "thank you" each day for all of it. No amount of pain or hurt should ever cause me to stray from an attitude of gratefulness and I admit that I have the last week or so. It hasn't been easy or fun to take this look inward and see how much I let myself and those I love down by not being focused or true to my intentions, but this step of accepting where I have been is the first in getting back on the track to where I am going.


The beauty of going through something that causes me to take a look at my life never ceases to amaze me, it's stunning how the universe knows when to bring something into my life to shake me and see a new place in my life to grow. With each lesson I learn and forget and relearn and re-forget, and....blah... I'm becoming more self aware and experiencing a new depth of mindfulness. I'm sure there is much more to come as I delve into these books and teachings of the yogic way, and I open my heart and arms to the challenge. I really like me and I don't want to let that go again.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

{ an apprise of me } ~ austin area photographer

First of all, if there is a "p" missing anywhere in this post, I apologize, my "p" key has been acting funky.

That tidbit aside, I guess you might be wondering where I have been (assuming that anyone has actually been checking to see if I have written anything). Since the holidays I have been working and playing a great deal. One could even say that I have been in the process of resolve. Although I have been going through a lot and opening my life to new things I haven't felt like sharing them yet, for whatever reason I internalized and kept away from my writing, which I ask you to forgive me of that transgression. Truly it excites me to let you guys in on the happenings in my life, sometimes they just feel mundane and my writing feels selfish. Most recently I think it has been intensely personal and I am always afraid of those deep and dear to my heart things being rejected and I just wasn't feeling free to expose that level of vulnerability the last couple of months.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know by now that my life has taken many turns and I've endured some changes both painful and strengthening. My family and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye and there was hurt on both sides. This is still much the case as I experienced over Christmas when I went home for the first time in a long time. Though there remains cracks and splinters in some relationships with a few, there was healing and great strides made between my parents and myself, my heart feels happy and a little more whole than it did before that trip.

Another bit of news that I have hinted at but not expounded upon is that I am going to train as a yoga instructor. My official training began tonight and I entered nervous but stoked. I left with most of my qualms soothed and my excitement multiplied a thousand times. My life is going a new and beautiful direction. My intention is to write more about my journey and not leave you loyal friends and readers in the dark.


My first impression of my training group is a positive one, I'm looking forward to getting to know each person. The energy in our practice tonight was lovely and very relaxed, the time was more familiar than a first time meeting. Sanskrit scares me a little, it will be like learning a whole new language, but not so scary that I won't give it my all. I have dreams and plans surrounding this whole thing and it's frightening to put myself out into this because it's so near and dear to my heart, but it feels so right and ignites passion inside my soul. I have missed feeling so connected to my true self.

Because I have class again in just a few hours I need to make myself sleep. I look forward to telling you all more and hopefully sharing new photos soon, I miss photography and I love that I can bring that into my yoga life, I have lots of plans. :)

Peace and love.