I woke up in the night, or maybe morning, it was dark.
The flames in my chest were emboldened by nausea in my belly.
"Am I choking? I'm fine. Breathe, keeping breathing."
Sleep was for others, it was neglecting me, leaving me in my pain.
It's been years since my last panic attack. Each time this happens I go down the shame spiral, berating myself because I have the tools to deal with stress, it's my lifestyle, my job for goodness sake. Fear, and its effects do not discriminate. Sometimes it takes time and multiple applications of soothing remedies to reach the other side. But do not be hard on yourself if you find relief on a Sunday and you wake up Monday with anxiety-fueled heartburn. You are not alone, you are in the company of wellness coaches, therapists, healers, yogis, business professionals, stay-at-home parents, and more.
The unknown is a very scary thing. Even when our minds are anchored in truth, our bodies can reverberate deep primal patterning based on survival. When we don't know what is happening and what to expect, our mantras can bring peace of mind and it may take a little while for that to seep in through our many layers, to our core and soothe the etched groves of our soul story.
Over the last two weeks, I've experienced waves of emotion and debated whether to act, sit, write, share, teach, sleep, read, play, hide, the list is unending. I knew in my spirit that it is time to be still and ground. To the best of my ability, I have put aside my action-based responses and sat in the uncertainty while I let myself reconnect to my highest wisdom. Creativity and purpose cannot be rushed, they come in the quiet, in the un-forced moments of pure inspiration. So I chose to slow down. I've shared a couple of on-line classes and I will be sharing more, but my goal in this unique time is to flourish in new ways, in ways that bring serenity to my whole being, not simply mind, but body and spirit as well.
I fight the detrimental story within of "who am I to...?" Who I am is who you are too. We are all in this crazy quarantine, watching our income wither. We are parents trying to protect our children. We are children worried about our parents. We are survivors with stories to share that can help others. We are healers holding the world in our hearts. By collectively sharing, we will overcome many great obstacles.
While I continue to curate my online presence, I would like to share a few helpful practices with you that have given me relief and I welcome your comments and conversation.
Breathe
I will always recommend breath first and foremost. Even if every breath feels ragged and torturous, keep counting your breath in and out.
Simple 4-count breath practice:
Inhale 1. 2. 3. 4.
Pause 4. 3. 2. 1.
Exhale 1. 2. 3. 4.
Pause 4. 3. 2. 1.
repeat until your breath is smooth like liquid velvet through your sinuses and throat.
*Using essential oils in the palms of your hands on the inhalation is highly effective, various oils for your varying emotions.
Slow Down
Our bodies are strong, but also tender. We've been going at a pace that requires so much for so long. Take this time at home as a healing moment. Slowing down does not mean you're stagnant, it means you're creating space for yourself to move seamlessly, enjoying the un-hurried transitions of your day from one project to the next. Slowing down allows you to be open fully to a fresh light and to new ideas. Settle down and feel more intuitively what your body is asking for, then give yourself permission to fully indulge in what you need.
Be Transparent
There is nothing valuable or healthy to be gained by holding in our fear and anxiety. Share what you're going through with someone that you trust, someone who can hold you in grace. If you don't have someone who you feel can embrace you in the way you need to feel open, admit your fears aloud to yourself, really say them. Let your biggest worries come out of your mouth, listen to them and the vibration of each word as you speak. Feel the clearing of your throat and chest as these trepidations are acknowledged. Their grip will loosen as you give them a name and allow them to be heard and you will find compassion for yourself. As I've said above, you can also share with me, I would love to surround you with light and support.
Administer Self Care
One of my favorite methods of self-care is being luxurious. Taking a longer shower than usual or a bath with Epsom salt. Emerging from this cleansing ritual and anointing my entire body with oil. Putting on the softest pieces of clothing that I own. Spraying myself a couple of times with my favorite perfume or dabbing my pulse points with calming essential oils. Combing through my hair until every tangle is gone and my scalp feels massaged. What makes you feel pampered? Now is the time to be very nourishing to yourself as you've never been able to before.
Joyful Movement
I've struggled for years with eating disorders and self-loathing, taking my hatred out on my own body. When our emotions are turbulent rivers and there are many things we cannot control, there is a massive temptation to push ourselves, to sweat out the rage, etc. Let me be very clear, I highly recommend sweating, I crave it. However, it must be born from a place of self-love and gratitude for all our bodies can do. If you feel yourself slipping into a mindset of "I have to get in a workout," pause, breathe and consider the ways you can move and generate sweat that will also feel joyful and feed your soul. Dance is a great one, yoga, a good run, there are so many options. Start with your goal to feel good, to smile, to appreciate your able muscles, and your healthy heart, and then move like nobody is watching but your divine, highest self.
Seek Purpose
I believe that this global shutdown has presented us with a time to obtain clarity. Starting on a personal level, beginning within. We have an unusual opportunity to halt and listen and get very clear on what our next steps are. What do you want to create in your life? Beyond organizing your home (which is a great active meditation and cultivates a chaos-free setting as you welcome new vision), what ignites your soul fire? The world around us will approach life differently when we emerge from our homes and we get to choose how we will come out of this as individuals. Journal, free-write, pray, open your heart wide to the knowledge of your place in the landscape of humanity. We need your gifts, your passion, your purpose.
Stay in, be well.
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