{ april 28, 2021 remembered }

I’ve been trying to say something for three years.

I’ve danced around the graphic truth with poetry and vagueness, sharing just enough to feel momentary relief. Some of you even recognized your own story in my eloquent evasiveness.

Now it’s been three years and I want to tell you about my son and us brokenhearted that walk around carrying stories so full of teardrops that we try not to leak on anyone.

I didn’t know I had a twin living inside me, a stowaway who stayed with me after his sister slipped away one evening months before. All I knew was that something wasn’t right. Here I own my ignorance, but after I miscarried and my partner left the following day, I couldn’t handle the thought of calling my midwife or seeing a doctor. I laid on the sofa and ate leftover Domino’s. I went on for weeks and weeks wondering how long before I’d feel like me again. Then one morning, I was shivering and burning up, my hands shaking so badly I couldn’t even type out a text asking for help. Finally, I was able to get help, and here I will be brief, because my day was scary and long, but that’s not the story I want to share today. I want to tell you the part that keeps me awake and breaks my heart in the middle of the day, brings me to tears as I walk the trail, the piece that requires ongoing healing.

Once I finally made it to the ER, I waited, teeth still chattering even hours after the initial fever. I sat with my friend, neither of us knowing what was going on or what to expect. I felt certain it was a complication from my miscarriage, as I said, I hadn’t felt right since. But nothing felt right, I was in such a hard place mourning the end of a dream and the end of an abusive relationship. Grieving something that brought so much pain is a strange thing, it left me feeling unsure how to take the next step forward, lacking faith in my ability to see if a person is good or bad. I wanted to shut the door to that hallway of my life story and never think about it again, but here was my own body screaming at me to examine the loss and maybe even face another season of healing.

I explained my intuition to a nurse and doctor, they made arrangements for me to have an ultrasound to see what issues may have lingered from my miscarriage. After hours of waiting, I was wheeled into the ultrasound room and spoke with the tech. He got very quiet and the room filled with a familiar sound, I knew before he even said what he saw, I had heard that sound three previous times before. That was a strong, rhythmic pulse of a heartbeat. It wasn’t a complication from losing my pregnancy, it was a baby boy who had continued to grow inside me even though his twin hadn’t been able to hang on. I don’t remember the tech’s name, I knew it that day, but I’ve lost it now. I’ll never forget how stunned he was, how apologetic he seemed, because he must have realized my baby was too low in my body for a little one who needed a lot more time to form inside me. Nameless tech was kind to me, he said “everything looks good, but a little low…perhaps. We will get you up to labor and delivery, they’ll know just what to do.”

Once I got a bed upstairs in L&D, they were concerned with the infection that was causing my convulsions, they wouldn’t comment on my baby at all. It was their mission to figure out how to stabilize me and then see what happened next. It made sense to me, the whole oxygen mask analogy from flying. But as my fever dropped, these shocking pains began to overtake me, originating in my abdomen and low back. These were as familiar to me as the percussion I heard in the ultrasound room, I was in labor, I was having strong and timely contractions. I couldn’t get comfortable, the nurse said try to relax and I crawled to my hands and knees and growled “mother fucking Christ almighty this hurts.” I cried. I had my friend try to rally the nurses to help me. I hemorrhaged and thought I had wet the bed. This went on far too long, I begged for it to just be over. I asked if my son had any chance of surviving. I didn’t want him to suffer, and I also confess that I didn’t want him to suffer the life ahead of a father who had proven to be the worst kind of person. I was scared of everything that was possible. Afraid I’d die and my girls would be left without their mama, with zero warning or time to prepare. I was terrified that all our lives would be tethered to this man I had worked so hard to start over from after the ruins he left us in. I couldn’t see any beauty as I clawed the hospital sheets and grunted in agony.

My friend eventually had success in convincing the nurses that I was in labor and needed help. One particularly strong nurse helped me stagger to the bathroom because I couldn’t handle my blood soaked bed anymore and I needed to push, the toilet made sense, dear god I wish I could take back this choice now.

In the bathroom I anguished for a little while, with the strong nurse holding me so I didn’t fall off the toilet when I crumpled and doubled over with each contraction. This was transition, I knew he was coming soon, I pushed, and then temporary physical relief. Looking down was difficult, but there he was. I can’t write this without bawling my eyes out, because this is the single most traumatic piece of the entire day. My tiny boy, as small as my hand and still so perfectly formed, he was right there still connected to me. I wasn’t allowed at that moment to touch him, the strong nurse held me back. Why was it taking so long for someone to come get him? Why were they just letting him hang there suspended from me by his umbilical cord? More crying, more begging “please listen to me, don’t leave us this way.”

It was probably not as long as it felt to me. I’m sure they were doing the best they could. But that would be the image of my suffering, that was the nightmare. Time stopped for me. For months and months I’d lay down to sleep and sob until well after midnight, only to wake up at 3am feeling anxious and unable to fall back asleep. I’d calculate the hours of sleep I could still get if only I were able to shut off my mind. I lay there having conversations in my head that I’d never get to have aloud. I’d cry for my son, wondering if this had all been my fault, if I could have saved him. I was conflicted, sad, and sleepless from this bathroom horror.

Beauty did find us there in that hospital though. When the nurses attended to my boy, cleaned him up, and brought him to me in a tiny crocheted basket, I held a weightless angel. This is the memory I want to hold, the one I’m afraid I’ll forget. In the moment, taking a photo felt morbid, but now I wish I could see his face again, even just once. He was pale, in some places translucent, which gave him a glowing aura. This perfect, tiny boy fit inside my hand, he looked very much like Evy, my youngest daughter. I was so struck by his beauty that I named him Ford, because he could have been a model.

I was speechless, words vanished and I felt so much I thought I’d implode. My friend put her hand on me and said a lovely, heartfelt farewell prayer for Ford. I cried and tried to express my gratitude, I fumbled with language. And then I had to give my son to the staff, I had to make decisions about whether I would buy a burial plot or allow the hospital to bury him. I had to notify his biological father and get rejected when I tried to tell him about Ford, but I knew telling him was the right thing to do, even though he didn’t get involved at all. I count it his biggest loss that he never saw that precious face and those long, piano-player fingers.

One night in the hospital and I was discharged the next day. Bleeding heavily, overweight, and empty armed. I felt like a mama who just had a baby, but I had no baby to make it all feel blurry and blissful. I was gross, abandoned, and lonely. But I was brave and strong as well. I diligently strapped my boobs down so my milk wouldn’t come in, I wore massive pads and net underwear because of the bleeding. I faced each day, packing up the once shared apartment to move into something smaller that I could afford alone, moving just one week after returning from the hospital. For three years I’ve been getting on with my life, and nobody will ever meet the sweetheart that I had to let go to get here.

In loving memory of Ford Norris Raun ~ 4.28.21

{ change of scenery } - yogi, photographer, writer, mama. austin, tx

Join me tonight (June 10th) for a live yoga class streaming from the lovely Casa Cartel in Austin, TX. This will be a donation class, you can make payment through Paypal,if you're in browser view on your mobile device you will see the link on the righthand side of the screen. Below you will find the meeting ID and password. I'm so grateful for this opportunity and to share the evening with you, see you on your mat!

Zoom meeting LINK

Password: casacartel

{ stepping out, stepping around } - yogi. mover. writer. mama. austin, tx

A couple of years ago I got certified in a new style of yoga and although I haven't done much in the realm of teaching this style yoga, it has broadened my personal practice and piqued my interest in new methods of movement and strength building. This was especially true when I broke my foot in 2018, it was the only way I could manage to get my heart rate up and get sweaty. Over the last year, I've been exploring new ways to move and how to incorporate this into my regular yoga-heavy lifestyle.

Join me for my first ever venture into teaching some of the HIIT-inspired ways that I move. Zoom link HERE.
Meeting ID: 297-609-902

This is a donation-based class as I will continue to offer, please don't let cost be a deterrent. You can find my PayPal link on the righ-hand side of the screen (if you're on a mobile device, you will need to switch to browser view). Thank you so much for being generous and for coming to connect, I miss your faces!

The playlist I've created for this class can be found HERE, or crank up your favorite booty-shaking music.

See you on your mat, ready to sweat, laugh, and move around.

{ we move together } - yogi. writer. mama. austin, tx

And the distance between them was breached by their combined efforts, outstretched souls that resisted separation.

Come together Wednesday, 4pm CST for some yoga and connection, we move bodies, minds, breath, souls.

Zoom LINK
Meeting ID: 765 950 043
Optional Playlist found HERE, but any of my playlists that end in 1-hr can be used for this 60-minute class.

You can donate using the PayPal link on the righthand side of this blog (those on mobile devices will need to switch to browser view to access the link) or send me a message for more info. Thank you for your help, it's greatly appreciated.

Be well.

{ r e l i e f } - yogi. mama. writer. survivor. austin, tx

I woke up in the night, or maybe morning, it was dark.
The flames in my chest were emboldened by nausea in my belly.
"Am I choking? I'm fine. Breathe, keeping breathing."
Sleep was for others, it was neglecting me, leaving me in my pain.




It's been years since my last panic attack. Each time this happens I go down the shame spiral, berating myself because I have the tools to deal with stress, it's my lifestyle, my job for goodness sake. Fear, and its effects do not discriminate. Sometimes it takes time and multiple applications of soothing remedies to reach the other side. But do not be hard on yourself if you find relief on a Sunday and you wake up Monday with anxiety-fueled heartburn. You are not alone, you are in the company of wellness coaches, therapists, healers, yogis, business professionals, stay-at-home parents, and more.

The unknown is a very scary thing. Even when our minds are anchored in truth, our bodies can reverberate deep primal patterning based on survival. When we don't know what is happening and what to expect, our mantras can bring peace of mind and it may take a little while for that to seep in through our many layers, to our core and soothe the etched groves of our soul story.

Over the last two weeks, I've experienced waves of emotion and debated whether to act, sit, write, share, teach, sleep, read, play, hide, the list is unending. I knew in my spirit that it is time to be still and ground. To the best of my ability, I have put aside my action-based responses and sat in the uncertainty while I let myself reconnect to my highest wisdom. Creativity and purpose cannot be rushed, they come in the quiet, in the un-forced moments of pure inspiration. So I chose to slow down. I've shared a couple of on-line classes and I will be sharing more, but my goal in this unique time is to flourish in new ways, in ways that bring serenity to my whole being, not simply mind, but body and spirit as well.

I fight the detrimental story within of "who am I to...?" Who I am is who you are too. We are all in this crazy quarantine, watching our income wither. We are parents trying to protect our children. We are children worried about our parents. We are survivors with stories to share that can help others. We are healers holding the world in our hearts. By collectively sharing, we will overcome many great obstacles.

While I continue to curate my online presence, I would like to share a few helpful practices with you that have given me relief and I welcome your comments and conversation.

Breathe
I will always recommend breath first and foremost. Even if every breath feels ragged and torturous, keep counting your breath in and out.
Simple 4-count breath practice:
Inhale 1. 2. 3. 4.
Pause 4. 3. 2. 1.
Exhale 1. 2. 3. 4.
Pause 4. 3. 2. 1.
repeat until your breath is smooth like liquid velvet through your sinuses and throat.
*Using essential oils in the palms of your hands on the inhalation is highly effective, various oils for your varying emotions.

Slow Down
Our bodies are strong, but also tender. We've been going at a pace that requires so much for so long. Take this time at home as a healing moment. Slowing down does not mean you're stagnant, it means you're creating space for yourself to move seamlessly, enjoying the un-hurried transitions of your day from one project to the next. Slowing down allows you to be open fully to a fresh light and to new ideas. Settle down and feel more intuitively what your body is asking for, then give yourself permission to fully indulge in what you need.

Be Transparent
There is nothing valuable or healthy to be gained by holding in our fear and anxiety. Share what you're going through with someone that you trust, someone who can hold you in grace. If you don't have someone who you feel can embrace you in the way you need to feel open, admit your fears aloud to yourself, really say them. Let your biggest worries come out of your mouth, listen to them and the vibration of each word as you speak. Feel the clearing of your throat and chest as these trepidations are acknowledged. Their grip will loosen as you give them a name and allow them to be heard and you will find compassion for yourself. As I've said above, you can also share with me, I would love to surround you with light and support.

Administer Self Care
One of my favorite methods of self-care is being luxurious. Taking a longer shower than usual or a bath with Epsom salt. Emerging from this cleansing ritual and anointing my entire body with oil. Putting on the softest pieces of clothing that I own. Spraying myself a couple of times with my favorite perfume or dabbing my pulse points with calming essential oils. Combing through my hair until every tangle is gone and my scalp feels massaged. What makes you feel pampered? Now is the time to be very nourishing to yourself as you've never been able to before.

Joyful Movement
I've struggled for years with eating disorders and self-loathing, taking my hatred out on my own body. When our emotions are turbulent rivers and there are many things we cannot control, there is a massive temptation to push ourselves, to sweat out the rage, etc. Let me be very clear, I highly recommend sweating, I crave it. However, it must be born from a place of self-love and gratitude for all our bodies can do. If you feel yourself slipping into a mindset of "I have to get in a workout," pause, breathe and consider the ways you can move and generate sweat that will also feel joyful and feed your soul. Dance is a great one, yoga, a good run, there are so many options. Start with your goal to feel good, to smile, to appreciate your able muscles, and your healthy heart, and then move like nobody is watching but your divine, highest self.

Seek Purpose
I believe that this global shutdown has presented us with a time to obtain clarity. Starting on a personal level, beginning within. We have an unusual opportunity to halt and listen and get very clear on what our next steps are. What do you want to create in your life? Beyond organizing your home (which is a great active meditation and cultivates a chaos-free setting as you welcome new vision), what ignites your soul fire? The world around us will approach life differently when we emerge from our homes and we get to choose how we will come out of this as individuals. Journal, free-write, pray, open your heart wide to the knowledge of your place in the landscape of humanity. We need your gifts, your passion, your purpose.

Stay in, be well.

{ changes } - yogi. writer. mama. austin, tx

Thank you for your patience while I let my soul get settled. As I continue to navigate my next steps, I will be sharing online classes with you. To get things rolling, I invite you to join me Tuesday at 2pm CST HERE, meeting ID: 733-894-339

Yoga is my lifestyle, but it's also my profession. I ask that you pay for your class what you can. I realize that we are all in very uncertain times and appreciate you making any contribution that you feel comfortable with. You can click on the PayPal link on the righthand side of the screen. If you're on your mobile app, please scroll to the bottom and click "view in browser."

I've created a playlist for this class which can be found HERE. Friends, please feel free to use any of my playlists that you prefer, if they end in "1 hr" then they are going to work with this 60-minute power flow.

See you on your mat.

{ content + connection } - yogi. writer. mama. photographer. austin tx

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to be here and to read this post. It's a wild time in the world and I am grateful that we have the means to stay connected, to support one another, and lean into this strange caged situation.

I've spent the last few days considering the best way to contribute and to survive. I miss my public classes immensely right now and I'm sure you are also feeling the void of un-rolling your mat alongside your yoga family. My studio is offering online classes and I hope to lead more in the days (weeks) to come.

What I've realized in this forced time off is something that was already bubbling to the surface for me, I'm ready to explore more than public yoga classes. I'm ready to peel some layers of comfort back and share things I've yet to share. I crave connection beyond what I've already experienced. Something within says that it's time to jump.

More than anything, I would love to hear from you. I'd love to know what you're craving, what would feel nourishing to you in this interesting self-contained time we face.

I will be sharing classes online, I'm currently looking at different resources and outlets for offering these. I have taken time with this because I want to move from my heart and I want to provide the best fit for your schedule, desires, devices, and energy. My heart is also being called to interact with you, not just give you a workout (but we will sweat and burn some quarantine calories!).

You can reach out to me via the comments below, IG @ameliasfb, or email me directly from this blog. We are here together, no matter the miles or walls that are between us.

Be well.

{ mama ocean } - photographer. writer. child. mother. lover. yogi. austin, tx

I walked down the stairs, coffee in hand, I heard her calling me.
"Why have you been gone so long? Why is your spirit so far away?"
Step by step I moved toward her, I let my feet rest in her familiar sands.
I stepped slowly on her rocks and felt their strength.
At her edge, I let myself sink into her bed, water circling my ankles before it was pulled back into her belly.
"Child, we are one, come remember," she said to me.
Deeper I went until I was fully held by her embrace.
This is where I learned, this is where I grew, past the heartbreak and insecurity.
She is my sanctuary, my teacher, my soul.
I watch her vicissitudes and see the spiral patterns, seemingly erratic, but overtly feminine.
She is old and wise, and forever new, fresh, youth and beauty.
Her mystery must be respected and her gifts are widely enjoyed.
I've come to her, come home, within moments her lessons fortify within my bones.
We are, I am, all is well.

{ maternal light } - mama. writer. photographer. yogi. lover. austin, tx

I walked away and closed my eyes. the thought of you is light coming up from my heart into my eyelids. my eyebrows lift and my shoulders drop.
I'd like to keep you in my arms, keep you close, and rock you to sleep.
earth angel always.
to me, you're pure sweetness.
when things hurt you, they hurt me.
the moment your smile slips away, I fear I can't bring it back.
this is a challenge of loving so deeply.
far outweighed by the light of seeing you throw your head back and laugh.
watching you experience life and all its new treasure.
you are beautiful, kind, tender, and hilarious.
stay vibrant.
be true.
spread your wings, love.

{golden notebook} - mama. writer. photographer. yogi. seeker. austin, tx

Life isn't always black and white. in my experience, I've witnessed a lot of greys. That place in between, where every question has two or more answers and my gut can't decide between fear of the known pain or unknown future.

When I decided to begin writing my memoir I had no idea how challenging it would be to recall the past and put it into words. As I've endeavored to embark on this writing journey, I halt daily. What is relevant and what needs to be shared? For a very private person who wants to be completely open, this is quite a challenge. Every night when I tell myself to sleep I am filled with the words of my story, but when I sit down to write them in my book, they evade me. I began my memoir in a journal, it is gold and simple. When my girls learned about this book, they would ask to be read stories from the golden notebook. Like me, they long to know their mother at an earlier stage in life. For them, I am trying hard to continue the writing. I struggle.
My voice.
My outline.
My time.

I recently had the privilege to meet my absolute favorite band of all time, The National. I received advice from a band member that has haunted me for weeks. He said, "you must finish this book."

I must finish.

I must keep going if I am ever going to finish.

If you're reading this now, feel free to hassle me, ask me how much I've written. Hold me accountable. Because my girls deserve as much as I can muster.

{ f(re)emale } - writer. yogi. mama. photographer. lover. austin, tx

You can't shame me with your insecurity, I've grown too happy to be torn down.
When I begin to question, I come back to my mat, to my body, to my breath, to my light.
Finally, when I look at myself, I don't see your shadows on my skin.
Absence now feels like space, let me twirl, cartwheel, and fling myself into possibility.

Loving feels so good.
I have untrammelled energy for the many people I encounter.
The pain and self-doubt that once weighed me down was so clearly my bruised ego having a fit.
Now I can say "take a seat" to the voices and stories in my head when they start to pipe up.
A river of breath and love continue to wash the murkiness of my past.
My soul shine is evolving.

I don't care what you think of me, I care about what you feel.
Compassion I wear like an immaculate dress, even as I stand naked in front of the mirror.
Life is a spectacular revelation.
Each day new, with the potential to throw open the windows and demolish the masonry I so carefully constructed around my heart.

Freedom, today, feels like being a woman.

{ slip slip } - writer. lover. mama. yogi. photographer. austin, tx

You went quietly into a place I couldn't reach. I saw it without my eyes and felt it without my hands.
Still, your body stayed and you spoke, but it wasn't you anymore.
Were you stolen or was it by choice?
Either way, the sunshine was gone and you were unrecognizable.

Were you hoping I could help you come back or did it feel good to be gone?
My days felt heavy, confusing, and like the ground was tilting underneath me.
I wasn't ready, I didn't see it coming and I had no plan of escape.

My shoulders wanted the end-of-a-long-day embrace I could count on.
My head wanted the firm flesh scented pillow of your bicep.
My mouth wanted the sweetness of your lips and saltiness of your skin.
I gave you my secrets, told you my scars, and you scratched them open and left me to bleed.
I asked for tenderness and it turned out to be too much to request.

Once I dated someone who believed "time heals every wound."
I don't know everything, but I don't believe that time is the healer.
Passing days, months, years even, have not eased certain aches from my heart.
Love is the mother, the father, the divine.
I can sit in this place is discord and nothing makes sense, except for love.




Love the hard places until they become soft.
Love the ugliness until it shines beautifully.
Love the broken heart in your chest and knots in your belly until you can take a breath, and then another.
Love the days you have here and draw them out for a long, long time.

{ that punctuating pause } - yogi. mama. writer. austin, tx

I struggle with this need to write.
Words swarm around inside me and for years I have slowly let them out.
I hold back, completely mute when I'm in the greatest pain.

When I've been dark and broody, all the words are still there.
But I cannot find the strength to share them.
My fears override everything and I lean on distraction to keep me from this place.

I read through my past in these posts and feel each pause like the depression that is was.
Always light and connection as I emerge.
My sharing has unfolded recently as a responsibility.
Who benefits from words unspoken, unwritten?

Evelyn asked me when I'd begin writing my book and I promised her "Tuesday."
Today is that Tuesday, that day I press my fingers to the keys and spill the past, curate the future, and probably make a big ole mess for some editor to clean up.

Multiple times a day I catch myself making judgments and being caught up in my own head.
Separating myself from others and falling short of my highest self.
Life happens, deadlines, things to learn, to-do lists, etc. and it pulls me.
I run from something I desire, a pattern that I work on as often as mindfulness.
I want to know you, I want to slow down and understand you.

Though I'll undoubtedly continue to self-criticize and question why anyone would care to read what I'm writing, I will write.
I'll give you the marred and ashen, the bright and exuberant, and pray that it lands where it is needed.

{ w o m a n } - writer. mama. yogi. photographer. lover. austin, tx

I'm thankful for this life and the trials that have sharpened me strengthened me and enlarged my capacity for love. May I continue to come to the light and fall to my knees in gratitude that I have grown. Keep me humble and compassionate to those who spur me forward and may I never call it "rejection" again. I embrace that I may be too much.

I don't want to apologize or feel guilty anymore for being overwhelming.
My desire isn't to push, but something inside me naturally bolsters the greatness in you.
I've learned to walk again and it makes me believe that you can fly.
When I lost the love of my life, I took my tears and used them to lubricate your process.
Nights on my own I've begged to be released from these feelings, only to drop to the ground in gratitude that I can feel so much where numbness once lived.
I won't turn down the volume of my soul or slow the velocity of my vibration.
I'll peel away the layers and show you the stretch marks on my heart where it expanded when it was pulled.
As the contractions of my ego cause me pain, I'll breathe until all jealousy, self-loathing, and fears have been expelled.
When the music plays, I'll dance unabashedly with you, and when it stops I'll get closer and continue to sway.
I'm going to grow old with your head on my chest and the rise and fall of our breath like the low tide rolling in and out.
Through silence, I will exercise the strength and stability of my tongue.
And when I speak you will feel the potency of truth and love, it will smell like amber and taste like honey.
First thing in the morning, I'm going to wrap my arms around you, hold you close, and inhale.
Together we will exhale.
My passion is that you know you're loved, that you matter, that you are here on purpose.
I want you to chase that purpose and fill your pockets with memories and moments.
Because I've fallen, left, lost, purged, seethed, and picked myself up, I now know that I have the strength to stay with you.




"Here's to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them." -- Unknown

{ regarding #metoo } - writer. woman. yogi. mother. austin, tx

For a week I've been thinking about whether I would say more, but for 20 years I've known I should.

The first time it happened I didn't speak up.
I didn't say anything because I was just a kid, a very scared kid.
The first time morphed into an ongoing situation of abuse that lasted several months.
When you're 15 and feel ashamed, everything is a mess.
I was lying to protect the very person who was routinely hurting me.
I was lying to protect myself from what I thought would bring on more debilitating guilt.
I was completely shut down because that's what happens when you're afraid and underinformed.

It was a party, there was alcohol, I said "no" but should have tried harder.
In a small town, there was gossip by the very next day.
My upbringing taught me that I was responsible for making those bad decisions that placed me in danger.
I was completely isolated in my suffering.
Instead of allowing others to blame me, I went straight into blaming myself.

Years later I would come to acknowledge that my innocence had been stolen and that I was not the thief.

The next time it happened, I should have known better.
I was an adult.
I was with friends in a safe place.
How did I let this happen?
Again, I defaulted to shutting down and placing all the blame on myself.

It happened at a time when my heart was profoundly broken and I felt all alone.
I threw away regard for myself and began a path of self-destruction.
I wanted to earn every bruise and scratch he put on me.
Self-hatred carried me down a dark road.

And then I broke.
I split wide open and watched the darkness, I sat in it and begged to understand.
I touched every painful place and screamed at the demons I'd held down.
Light came from a place inside me.
I thought I had nothing, but it was there all along.
It was stifled and smothered and tender.
I saw it like a scared animal lost from a loving mother.
My light.
My loving touch.
I wasn't alone and I didn't deserve the years of believing that I was.
But I'm so grateful.

It's frightening to smile at strangers.
My heart cries "danger" far more often than necessary.
There is a hard-wired fear that I will always be left alone and unprotected.
I have to call my deeper wisdom to practice and choose to trust daily.
But I'm so grateful.

I learned that who I am is not what I've been through.
Who I am is love and forgiveness.
Who I am is compassion and connection.
And I can bring a soft and knowing touch to those who also hurt.
I know the darkness and the alone place and I'll go there with you to find your light.
It hasn't left you.
It never will.

{ feeling it } - photographer. yogi. lover. mama. writer. austin, tx.

I watched the water swirl as the currents rejected each other.
It glistened and rippled away from the giant concrete pillars.
Everything must go the direction life has set.
The clouds were spread out and fragmented, white against a stunning blue.
I can't feel the stitches in my back, but I'm careful.
There is a newness in my body.
It's been so long since I've felt my belly so deeply.
Creation, art, and power are stirring.
Welcome home.

{ ripped } - yogi. writer. mama. lover. austin, tx.

I grieve the lost moments and the memories made only for a night.
Were we all just in it for a reward?
There is always a payback, I'm aware.
My heart sensed connection and I had so much love for y'all.
I saw the surface and I went under, over, and around.
Desperate to know the deepest of your soul.
But I was right there with you, numbing some gnarly pains.

The drops plummeted from the sky today and pierced my skin ruthlessly.
I tried to feel each one like shards of glass from above.
I let my clothes cling to me and my shoes fill with water.
Thunder shook me from the inside with the sweetest reverberation.
The sky, marred with clouds appeared to me blue, even as it deepened gray.
Do you crave these colors and experiences as I do?
I want to know all you feel.

Can we hold hands and place vision into each other?
Let me see what you see, take my touch, trust my friendship.
Give me something in return.
Be here, wake up, roll in the grass and smell the earth.
Close your eyes and feel the sun kiss your eyelids good morning.
Watch the movie of your dreams for the day dance before you.
Step into this life, friend.
Let it flutter in your belly and excite your imagination.

Breathe.
Touch.
Remember.

{ raising women } - mama. yogi. lover. writer. austin, tx

I ask myself all the time if I'm qualified for things.
Have I learned enough to be an expert?
What if I give the wrong information?
Nowhere is that more present than in my parenting.
I'm helping guide 3 beautiful young ladies into their own.
Holy shit.
These girls are the most incredible and interesting souls, even when I remove my bias, they're so cool.
So what can I offer?
I've been thinking about some of the things I hope they retain, little nuggets I want them to carry forward.
We are inundated by images of women who act less than ladylike, and I want more for my girls.
I want them to flow through life gracefully and with joie de vivre.
All the good things, all the shadows, and a perfect blend of mysterious and endearing.
These are my girls.



I encourage them to laugh, I'll do anything to make them laugh.
We dance ridiculously whenever we want.
We sing in public and see how much we can make each other blush.
We make up stories endlessly.
We ride a good joke to the very end.

I set the standard that my dad set.
My girls know that I walk next to traffic and they know why.
It's my job to take my girls on proper dates and spoil them.
My girls know they are queens.
There is no such thing as too much affection.

I tell them straight up.
Every question gets an honest answer, even when it's scary.
Every chance I get, I tell them how much I love them, how proud I am, and point out the good.
When they're out of line I call them out.
I apologize when I mess up.



I let them keep me young.
F*ck this snapchat thing, but for my girls, I'm all in.
We move together, running, yoga, rolling around, and unnumberable hugs.
I share my stories from childhood, reliving and letting them learn from my mistakes.
I let them play DJ and dance to Justin Bieber and Disney pop.

I offer them wisdom.
We play Elmore James and Otis Redding.
We watch movies from way before their time.
I see them as souls, not children, they understand so much.
We read a lot and talk about our books.

I love the random things we discuss.
I cherish the way they open up, the treasures of their life experience that they share with me.
I will protect them from any heartache I can, but when I can't and they hurt, I will hold them always.
I try to teach them manners.
I let them teach me and acknowledge what I don't know.
I adore that they'll humor me and walk in the rain and dance in the road.
I see their love and goodness touch the lives of many.
I can't wait to watch them change the world.

{ wildflower } - yogi. lover. writer. mama. soul. austin, tx

Every day I run by the flowers and they beg me to lie down.
They draw me from the inside, the pull is so strong, but my resistance is stronger.
I know what will happen when I fall back into the field of bluebonnets and Indian paintbrushes.
Once more I'll drink in the poison of memory thinking it is nectar.
This is where we spent so much time saying nothing but breathing together.
For so long I couldn't even bring myself to this place because it was ours.
Your feet and mine pushing the sand and rocks deeper into the earth, while our future unfolded so clearly to only me.
I looked at the sky and saw sapphire even when it was raining.
The leaves didn't turn for me, even through fall and winter.
I thought that was our super power.
While I look over the field of blue and coral now it's all alone.
I'm back here, but without you.
The sky couldn't be bluer and the sun comes out just for me.
I ask the wind to blow over me and she does.
I've managed to have the experience of great, great love, and you weren't beside me this time.
You and I are both full of love, together beautiful, apart just as magnificent.
Even when I thought I was losing myself I was simply losing what I no longer need.
When I thought you were abandoning me, you were pushing me back to my light.
You're growing in ways that inspire me and I'm so proud of you.
My life has shifted to free me of old pains and crutches and I'm so proud of me.
Our time together now is new to me, it's a curious place I struggle with in my head.
However, in my heart, when I shut my eyes and press in, it becomes so easy.
You're my best friend and it makes no sense, but does it have to?
For now, I'm staying open, I'm letting go of my perfect boxes and explanations.
It takes deep breathing, a lot of sitting still, and sometimes tears.
In all the familiar places I close my eyes and I feel all that same love still inside me.
With or without you, I feel passion.
You created the space that now I must hold on my own, space where I learned to love.
Because of you I see how I need to give more, show up without hesitation or analyze the gifts.
My body will become an ocean that knows no shores.
My hands will share tenderness and touch, my feet will pound out pain and suffering, and my heart will remain open.
I stay away from the spell of the flowers because right now I'm running in the sweetness.

{ whence } - yogi. mama. writer. wonderer. austin, tx

The grass was neon green and for a moment she was washed in gold just before the sun dipped behind the trees and sank beneath the horizon.
The scene was stunning and her heart was in her throat.
How had she seen this so many times and this day been so enthralled?
She wished for change, healing, and less of the noise in her head.
This day her soul was calling her back.
Signs and guides were singing to her from the dark, freshly churned earth.
Agitation rose from her chest and onto her lips as a smile which she kissed to the clouds above.
Traffic was at a halt and people stared.
For so long she had forgotten her wonder and bravery.
No life should not be taken for granted or too seriously.
She remembered joy and poise were her leaders and expression was essential.
She watched changing colors burn into the night as she sent prayers and intentions to Heaven.
The moon bathed her with it's powerful light and she was mutually chilled and warmed.
Animals nuzzled her softly and the cups spilled over with wisdom.
Strength is her virtue and she reclaimed it wholeheartedly.
Into the temple she craves to go, to that sacred place where her light is rekindled.
She seeks the balance of tenderness and firmness, body and mind.
Open to the message, willing to witness the signs, and patient in the delivery of all.
Aging takes her closer to peace even as the journey brings pain and disappointment.
Release hurts her deeply, her soul seems so sure.
There is no room or way for her to continue without letting go.
The eye of the needle before her glimmers and torments her.
Then light hits the metal and a sparkle reflects off the tear rolling down her cheek.
Three lights join as one and she knows this struggle is her beauty, her healing, and her future.