{ the where and now } yogini. photographer. witness.

Last night I was exhausted, my first shift back to work after 6 days away on vacation. I arrived home thinking I would collapse into bed and sleep immediately, soundly. That did not happen. I readied myself for bed, taking extra care with washing my face and braiding my hair. Still waiting for the heaviness to visit my eyelids I began reading a blog of someone I am growing very close to. I was struck by the oddness of reading these stories and happenings that all came before we met, by the way our lives could be so far apart and eventually cross and even become parallel. Where had my life been during these times that I was reading about? Why could I not remember that I also had so much happening in 2009, 2010, 2011...? I realized a huge disconnect I have had from my past, even my recent past, because my focus has been so much engaged in things now and days ahead. I revisited my own blog and feel compelled to share what I gleaned from my trip through the randomness of my posts over the last few years.



Photo- Venice Beach, CA 2012 Amelia Raun

As I looked back at my stories, musings, photos, lessons, ect. I saw someone I admire. Why have I continued to struggle with so many of the same issues? Why have I not celebrated more of the triumphs that I have had? What has caused me to lose my written voice? So many things I began to wonder, so many aspects of myself that I began to mourn the loss of. New things have emerged that I am grateful for, so much change through my yoga training and relationships come and gone, I love where I am and where I am going, but I don't want change all that I have gone through to get here, I want to bring it into my present as strength. I recognize that I gave control to my fear of vulnerability and lost what I am most proud of about myself, my openness and willingness to be seen, loved or not.

It was a heavy and wonderful read, if you have your own blog or journal I encourage you to go back and see what reading it feels like for you. Today I am more me than I was yesterday and it feels so damn good.

{ post-nominal } - yogini. photographer. mother. austin, tx

In October of 2011 I had a revelation. Within a short time I drastically changed my direction. Investing time, money, and passion I set out to become a registered yoga instructor. On July 7th, 2012 I became Amelia Raun, RYT.

For my final project I wrote about chakra balancing with children and I had a photo shoot with my own girls to illustrate. I'll be candid and confess that the outtake photos are my favorites. I love these wild girls.




Articulating the changes that have taken place in my life through this experience is difficult. The other students in my training have all changed so much as well and yesterday one graduate and I were musing over that fact. My dharma now is to give back and to be a spark to inspire others to embark on their personal journey. It's scary, exciting, freeing, magnificent, and so vast. It is like waking up from a long nap and knowing an adventure is in store.

{ fewer words } - yogini. photographer. austin, tx

Just one of the many projects that I have been pouring myself into recently.

Today I am writing my final project for my yoga teaching certification project. What started as a simple idea keeps growing and I feel as though I will never be able to write all that I aspire to put into words, but it does nobody any good if I neglect writing altogether because I am afraid.

{ an evanescent view } ~ yogini.photohgrapher. austin, tx

Composing post and editing pictures. Come back soon!

{ march, truly? } ~ austin area photographer/yogini

I think I lived through February on autopilot because it just seems to have passed without my knowledge. I won't say that I am "so busy" because it's nothing new since my previous post, life is just about finding the order and making time for priorities. As I move closer to my goal of teaching yoga and being a doula, I find that my blog is a necessity in the process and will continue to be something I lean on for expression and communication. One blog can reach so many more than I can via text or phone, however those are still vital. :)

This is what my table looks like most days...a splay of books and coffee mugs, moleskins and highlighters, Crayon masterpieces and hair ties. I'm full throttle in my studying and feeling better than ever (with the exception of a crick I've had in my neck for 3 days). My fear of the learning has become easier to quiet, thanks to a great deal of meditation. Finally I am able to visualize myself as a teacher, this is a beautiful step for me.



I've still been styling as well, so fashion has never taken a full "back-seat" in my life. My conundrum is now trying to find time and occasion to dress up, I just live in yoga clothes and my bar uniform. Although I have to say "darn it Lulu Lemon for being so expensive!" because I could easily shop there for yoga and live happily ever after in my Luon and open back sexy workout gear, maybe it just feels pretty...whatever it is, it works and sadly I can't even afford socks there ($14.00 a pair). My styling is 99% for men so that does help my temptation factor some since we rarely visit women's stores. Street vendors remain a constant source of inner struggle, I love that hippie jewelry and stuff.

SXSW (South by Southwest) is coming to Austin next week. I really am floored that it's been a year. Time has literally zoomed by. Again I lack a badge or wristband but hopefully I will be able to make a few shows or at least just spend some time downtown with all the visiting music lovers. The energy in the city excites me, I love being able to take part in some way this year, I have always been pinned up in a day job through the previous years.

What else can I share today in my attempt to bring you all to speed on my happenings? I'm in work, work, train, home, work, repeat mode for now... I'm still managing to wrangle in some time to spend taking care of myself as I lacked before and I am feeling healthier and stronger in spirit. Finally bought a vacuum and that was the most exciting thing for me in a while, nothing beats the euphoric feeling of cleaning (maybe that's just me). I also got a cheapo printer but I need USB before I can start printing all my amazing Pinterest quotes to scatter around my apartment. Until then I will keep drawing with markers all my study aids like my colorful Chakra chart and lists of Klesas and Koshas. I feel like this..



For more laughs I watch this often..



Now friends, have a beautiful day and please know I have missed you all SO much!!!

{ acceptance }

Sometimes I am baffled by my own silliness. How can it be that I have read, learned, and lived so many beautiful lessons and still manage to forget them at times?.... I marvel over how calm and at peace within myself I have become and then see myself spiral into self criticism and berate who I am. The past two weeks have been eye opening for me. When people told me how intense yoga training would be I grew more excited, I genuinely want to grow and change. The idea of having this opening fueled my desire to take this big step. I under estimated the pain that might accompany this journey. Though some may say it sounds cliche or even cheesy, yoga really has changed my life and as I sat here today reading more of the Yoga Sutra I had a wake up call to how I have been living recently, I have been giving my all for everyone but me and growing discouraged and insecure in myself because of the lack attention and love that I should have been giving myself. I'm not promoting selfishness or saying I want to give less to anyone else, just that I have not acknowledged that I am reaching and stepping out towards a goal and salute myself. Fear in failure has been dragging my mood down and the truth is that I have already succeeded in so much I should have a great deal more confidence than I have been moving with lately. I have avoided self evaluation, but as I have been thinking about this all today I am proud of who I am and my life, I have so much good and I forget to say "thank you" each day for all of it. No amount of pain or hurt should ever cause me to stray from an attitude of gratefulness and I admit that I have the last week or so. It hasn't been easy or fun to take this look inward and see how much I let myself and those I love down by not being focused or true to my intentions, but this step of accepting where I have been is the first in getting back on the track to where I am going.



The beauty of going through something that causes me to take a look at my life never ceases to amaze me, it's stunning how the universe knows when to bring something into my life to shake me and see a new place in my life to grow. With each lesson I learn and forget and relearn and re-forget, and....blah... I'm becoming more self aware and experiencing a new depth of mindfulness. I'm sure there is much more to come as I delve into these books and teachings of the yogic way, and I open my heart and arms to the challenge. I really like me and I don't want to let that go again.

{ an apprise of me } ~ austin area photographer

First of all, if there is a "p" missing anywhere in this post, I apologize, my "p" key has been acting funky.

That tidbit aside, I guess you might be wondering where I have been (assuming that anyone has actually been checking to see if I have written anything). Since the holidays I have been working and playing a great deal. One could even say that I have been in the process of resolve. Although I have been going through a lot and opening my life to new things I haven't felt like sharing them yet, for whatever reason I internalized and kept away from my writing, which I ask you to forgive me of that transgression. Truly it excites me to let you guys in on the happenings in my life, sometimes they just feel mundane and my writing feels selfish. Most recently I think it has been intensely personal and I am always afraid of those deep and dear to my heart things being rejected and I just wasn't feeling free to expose that level of vulnerability the last couple of months.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know by now that my life has taken many turns and I've endured some changes both painful and strengthening. My family and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye and there was hurt on both sides. This is still much the case as I experienced over Christmas when I went home for the first time in a long time. Though there remains cracks and splinters in some relationships with a few, there was healing and great strides made between my parents and myself, my heart feels happy and a little more whole than it did before that trip.

Another bit of news that I have hinted at but not expounded upon is that I am going to train as a yoga instructor. My official training began tonight and I entered nervous but stoked. I left with most of my qualms soothed and my excitement multiplied a thousand times. My life is going a new and beautiful direction. My intention is to write more about my journey and not leave you loyal friends and readers in the dark.



My first impression of my training group is a positive one, I'm looking forward to getting to know each person. The energy in our practice tonight was lovely and very relaxed, the time was more familiar than a first time meeting. Sanskrit scares me a little, it will be like learning a whole new language, but not so scary that I won't give it my all. I have dreams and plans surrounding this whole thing and it's frightening to put myself out into this because it's so near and dear to my heart, but it feels so right and ignites passion inside my soul. I have missed feeling so connected to my true self.

Because I have class again in just a few hours I need to make myself sleep. I look forward to telling you all more and hopefully sharing new photos soon, I miss photography and I love that I can bring that into my yoga life, I have lots of plans. :)

Peace and love.

{ santa dear } ~ austin area photographer

Christmas time is here and all around I face reminders that there is shopping to be done. regrettably, shopping for gifts is almost always something I have to do last minute because I can't restrain myself from giving something right away. I love gift giving, from what I can recall of years past I also love receiving gifts (especially cash). I am also a firm believer in giving gifts that people truly want and ask for rather than trying to surprise them with something I "thought they would love!" That being my motto, I always ask my girls for their Christmas wish list. I find them greatly entertaining so I thought I would share them with you friends as I share our photo shoot for the holiday season, I love these beauties so much and had a ball taking all the pictures you are about to see.




A little game we call "Everyone Kiss Avery!"

















Avery's list:

Beats

Shoes

Clothes

Nice journals (that's my girl!)



Masyn's list:

A laptop (still wishing from last year)

A cell phone

New athletic style tennis shoes (because all she has now are Converse)



Evelyn's list:

Everything same as Masyn with these additions...

A wooden doll house, with all the pieces and accessories (I'm not making this up, those were her exact words)

An American Girl doll

Perfume

Now my list:

A vacuum cleaner

Max and Chloe gold necklace

More Prada "Candy" perfume

Lulu Lemon gift card(s)

Journals/books/papers

Incense and candles


I'm pretty content but a girl can always have a wish list :)



Happy Holidays to each of you and I'll be posting an update soon so you can follow along the exciting journey I have jumped into!!

{ therapeutic life } ~ austin area photographer

It has been a week, a blissful, challenging, strengthening, fantastic, week of having some time off during the day. I have practiced yoga each day and tried various studios and teachers. I have been able to make time to meet with friends for yoga, a run, or just a drink. I went to Avery's school play and got to see my parents and grandmother. Life is beautiful. The change has been soothing to my soul and I feel renewed each day with some new element of life to enjoy that I previously have not had time for.

Today I met my friend who I feel is my yoga guru and we had a 7 am yoga session in this awesome little flamenco dance studio and then enjoyed coffee and a great hour plus of conversation and gentle fall breeze. We talked about the things that happen in our lives to make us who we are and bring us to the places where we now find ourselves. I was impacted deeply in my thoughts and all day have been going back to various times in my life and memories that stand out as having shaped who I am and what I feel is important to pass along to my own girls. Honestly I recognize that I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through all that I have in my 29 years on this earth. Though the last few have brought many tears, obstacles, growth, and adjustment, there isn't anything that has been wasted, I can find something to appreciate from every experience.

When I left my guru and headed home, I changed my mind and went out to begin a task I have been considering for some time now, putting up a bookshelf above my little bench in my den. I know this sound frivolous and not that exciting, but I could have gone home to nap (since I had only nabbed 3 hours of snooze time last night). I feel like it's these break-from-the=norm moments that make a good day great. Determined, I gathered the tools and shelves and began to work. By 1 PM I had accomplished my mission and have unloaded much clutter from my cabinets, dresser, bedside table, and any flat surface where I could lay one of my cherished books. It felt so good to move forward with something so domestic so I continued on with some more cleaning and then hours of reading and studying before going to get my babies from school. Yes, this is certainly the way my life should be going, the direction feels natural and every day ahead bright.

{ paradigm interrupted } ~ austin area photographer

The thought landed in my mind much earlier this month, the solid and unavoidable truth of the answer crashing in right behind.

"If I were to lose my job today, what have I been building?"

I think a few of you actually have tried to make plans with me or arrange times to speak on the phone and the answer has always been the same "Oh I can't, I'm working." I am a hard worker, I don't really know how to give things less than my all when I am committed. Never before had I realized though that the all I have been giving is earning me only a meager paycheck, nothing of lasting value. Yes, money is required to take care of my girls and essential to living a comfortable life. However, my girls are growing up fast and my lifestyle is still a struggle financially at times, so why pour myself into this large company and have no time for the loves of my life?.... I could only reel in shock of what I was facing. There has to be more, where I spend my time has to mean more, it has to make some kind of lasting impact or I just can't rationalize being away from my girls and people I care about so often.

Planning went into motion and I began to meditate and consider what truly matters and what I would see as a valuable route for my time spent away as well as earning money to support my girls. My answer is much longer than any blog post I've ever composed, I want to do everything and anything that matters, I want to share my life and the things I have learned, and I want to become a student, a sponge, continuing to broaden my mind and experiences. I want to live.

As you all might be wondering what rash things I have done or gripping your chairs with anxiety over my seemingly silly free spirit, fear not, I have work and I am able to earn money to support my babies and pursue the field(s) I truly desire. Because of how much I was working, my doula studies have taken a back seat, that will no longer be the case, I am going to finish that and begin taking clients as soon as possible. Also in the spring I am going to train as a yoga instructor so that I might also incorporate yoga in my doula packages and perhaps private lessons and classes for non pre-natal clients. Already I have been practicing yoga daily and focusing myself on diet and wellness, I feel amazing and like the light in my life has been switched back to "On."

Look forward to more pictures and writing as I will actually have time now to invest in my writing and photography again!! Love you all and appreciate those of you who I have spilled this to previously who help me see my strength and opportunities.