{cynicism + pauperdom}

I've long been compiling posts in my mind, and I beg your forgiveness for not setting aside the time to actually write out those thoughts. They are lost now and must not have been truly great if I cannot recall them. Accept my apology but consider yourself lucky to have not wasted time reading mindless babble developed in an overactive imagination.

Tonight is an update post, sadly I have no images to accompany it. Something I will be correcting tomorrow is the lack of action my camera has seen. My fingers are hungry for the weight of my Canon and my ears long to appreciate the hearty "click" of the shutter. Oh yes, the need to shoot has grown to a dangerous and overwhelming high.

If you have wondered where I have been...please allow me to indulge your curiosity with the tale of my whereabouts.

As many of you read previously, I resigned from my retail job, a bitter sweet ending. The opportunities which seemed exciting and very promising all faded away and I found myself without a job and without leads toward something new. My heart was fearful and I had to really focus and reject those emotions, I had to be positive and gain clear vision again. I needed money right away, so I strong armed a friend into teaching me to bartend. A stretch for me career wise, as I have had absolutely no service industry experience, but I know that I can learn anything so I committed myself to this task. I trained and attained some skills, literally went door to door at bars along West 6th street in Austin and even though I was told I would not find a job anywhere there (p.s. way number 11,478 4 to make me not want a second date is to tell me I can't succeed at something), I was given a chance by a great bar. So for the last few weeks, my feet have learned to live within the confines of closed toes, my hands have been sliced and callused, my skills have been fine tuned, and I am confident to say I am a bartender. Is this my long term goal?...no, but has it allowed me to spend days with my favorite little ladies and work while they sleep?..yes! I didn't get evicted from my apartment which is a huge step in the right direction. Also, my bar stories will now hold at least one chapter in my memoir or possibly a book all their own. Adjusting to my new hours and change of profession has been difficult and entertaining, I could write many things about this...but tonight you will be spared.

I have learned much about the cynical side of some people. I am reminded of how often I have been called "strong willed," and honestly I will accept that because where there is a will, there is a way...and my strong will-ingness to do whatever I had to kept my girls with me and a roof over our heads. Doubt and criticism are negativity I just don't have time for in my life and frankly, I don't like them.

Changing gears completely and wrapping this up, I just want to thank the people who have been emailing and letting me know they care if I am alive or dead, that meant a lot. Also I appreciate the kindness from a few new readers, I am very grateful that you came to visit my blog and your emails made my smile bigger. Thank you all, I love you!

a log roll

Yes, that's what they call it when I lay down in bed. So it seems very fitting that my mom lost a tree last week to wind and I snapped a picture because it reminded me of my own back laying on the bed. I tried to capture my back for you all with my timer and it didn't work out that well. I will try again another time.

Here is my last diptych for May's SPC theme.



I am improving little by little. Now I am able to sit up for 30 minutes or so. Currently I am most annoyed by some congestion causing my ears to sound like I am wearing ear plugs. My headaches are still present, but they do take longer to build so I am able to get up and around a little more. I haven't had internet access since the tree fell because it landed on my mom's water well, so we moved to my grandma's house which is not set up for internet. :o(

I'm posting from my mom's today as we have come to get more clothes and a few other things we needed. I am shamefully addicted to my computer because this is what I went to do first when we got here.

So if you want to get in touch with me texting is the only way really. :o( I don't know when we will be back here again and have wireless. I miss you all and I look forward to answering emails and comments as soon as we move back here!